Chapter 14

It was currently seven-thirty in the evening.

I sat on the sofa in Toga’s living room, hugging a body pillow tightly against my chest.

I’d gone out and bought it myself yesterday specifically for today. When I arrived and brought it inside, Toga had stared at it and asked, “What’s that?”

I mean, when you’re watching horror movies, you want something to cling to, right…?

I felt bad borrowing the cushions at his place every single time.

Making excuses to no one in particular, I stroked the soft black fabric of the long pillow and glanced sideways at Toga beside me.

His hair was still slightly damp.

Maybe he’d taken a bath before I arrived.

…I love him.

The post-bath sex appeal was so powerful I felt like I was about to come down with a fever.

Because if I thought about it, just a little while ago, Toga had been completely naked… in the bath…

Ah.

My brain’s burning out.

Nope.

Not allowed to think about that.

Just imagining it was enough to make me feel like I’d get a nosebleed.

I had already showered and eaten dinner before coming over today. I didn’t want to cause him any trouble.

I still needed to change into the clothes I’d brought for sleeping and brush my teeth, but if the worst happened, I could technically fall asleep like this.

I’ll be relying on you again tonight, Mr. Sofa.

The ghost-hunting special we’d been waiting for wouldn’t start for another thirty minutes.

Normally, because I loved horror so much, those thirty minutes would feel agonizingly slow.

But with Toga here, time seemed to fly.

I was far more aware of the boy sitting beside me than I was of the show.

Usually I’d already be back home by now.

Yet here I was.

At Toga’s house.

With Toga sitting right beside me.

The reality of it felt so unbelievable that I kept glancing at him again and again, just to confirm he was really there.

Toga, meanwhile, was watching TV while eating the cake I’d brought.

The sight of him eating strawberry shortcake was unbearably cute.

My chest tightened.

I’ve decided.

From now on, whenever I come here, I’m bringing snacks.

Watching my favorite person eat something I bought made me ridiculously happy.

I’m contributing to Toga’s life energy.

This is amazing.

The shortcake was the classic kind.

And he ate the strawberry first.

So he’s the type who eats the strawberry first…

Cute.

“What?”

Toga finally noticed my stare and turned toward me.

Ugh.

Handsome.

Every time I looked at his face, the same thought appeared.

Handsome.

Because he really was.

I hugged the body pillow even tighter.

“I was just thinking how cute you look eating cake, Toga.”

He was so cute I couldn’t stand it.

Saying it out loud only made me realize it all over again, and I couldn’t stop myself from grinning.

Without saying a word, Toga pinched my nose.

“Eep—!”

My nose!

It hurt!

But I was happy!

Toga’s beautiful fingers were pinching my nose.

I love him.

I could feel his warmth through the bridge of my nose.

So warm…

My cheeks flushed bright red, but I made no attempt to hide it.

“What are you doing?” I complained through my squashed nose.

Maybe my voice sounded funny.

Toga bared his teeth and laughed.

“Smiling is cute too. That’s unfair…”

I said it helplessly.

“Is that so?” he replied, laughing again.

Seeing Toga smile made me happy.

Knowing I’d made him smile made me happy.

Thirty minutes disappeared in the blink of an eye.

The moment the supernatural special began, I straightened up immediately.

“It started!”

“Yeah.”

Unable to contain my excitement, I announced it to Toga before turning my full attention to the television.

As terrifying footage flashed across the screen, I found myself muttering reactions under my breath.

“Whoa…”

“Aah!”

“No way…”

Then suddenly—

Someone poked my side.

I jolted violently.

Spinning around in shock, I found the culprit.

Toga was trying—and failing—not to laugh.

“What was that for?!”

Even as I protested, my face heated up at his smile.

“My bad,” he said, still grinning. “Your reactions were so funny I couldn’t help messing with you.”

Then he reached over and ruffled my hair.

Ahhh.

I love him.

Go ahead.

Poke my side as much as you want.

If it means I get to see that smile, I’ll gladly sacrifice myself.

For that smile, I’d do anything.

And somehow, day by day, Toga kept getting more handsome.

My favorite person was evolving in ways specifically designed to attack my heart.

What wonderful growth.

Thank you very much.

Without realizing it, I brought my hands together as if worshipping him.

“Stop that.”

Toga grabbed my arm and lowered my hands.

He grabbed my arm.

I love him.

An hour into the two-hour special, the program reached a segment about ghost photographs.

It became a sort of quiz show.

Can you find where the ghost is hiding?

I leaned forward and searched seriously.

Actually, I was surprisingly good at this.

“I don’t see anything.”

Toga frowned at the photograph on the screen.

I’d already spotted it.

Excited to show him, I pointed.

“Right there!”

And naturally—

I touched his arm.

My hand landed lightly against him.

For a second, I didn’t even register what I’d done.

Then realization hit.

I stared.

At my hand.

At the way it rested against Toga’s arm.

My heartbeat exploded.

I couldn’t believe it.

Before, I’d touched him deliberately.

When he’d confessed he was using me.

When I was on my period.

When Ki-kun had visited.

Those times I’d chosen to touch him.

But this…

This had happened unconsciously.

Without thinking.

Little by little, the distance between us was shrinking.

Toga was precious.

Sacred.

Someone I revered almost like a god.

Someone far too important to touch casually.

And yet…

I’d touched him without even realizing it.

The boundaries I’d carefully built around him were beginning to crumble.

That realization terrified me.

Panicking, I pulled my hand away.

The moment I did, Toga grabbed my wrist.

“Ah…”

A strange sound escaped me.

My hand trembled uncontrollably.

Was it fear?

Nervousness?

I didn’t know.

I tried to stop the shaking with my other hand, but my body refused to listen.

My mind went completely blank.

I couldn’t think.

Couldn’t move.

Couldn’t figure out what to do.

Toga stared at me for a long moment.

Then he tightened his grip on my wrist and guided my hand back onto his arm.

My trembling fingers touched him again.

I could only watch.

I didn’t resist.

“You can touch me.”

“…!”

Then he released my wrist.

Instead, he wrapped an arm around my back and pulled me gently against him.

“I want you to touch me more.”

My eyes widened.

A tear slipped down my cheek before I even realized I was crying.

Silently, one tear after another soaked into his shirt.

He wasn’t holding my wrist anymore.

I could have pulled away.

I should have pulled away.

But I couldn’t.

My trembling fingers curled around his arm.

And his words echoed through my head.

You can touch me.

I want you to touch me more.

Don’t say things like that.

Please.

Don’t make me hope.

Because if you say things like that, I’ll start believing.

And when that hope is crushed, I’ll be the one left miserable.

How could I possibly stay in control when the person I loved more than anything said something like that?

I’d always thought it was enough just to watch him from behind.

Enough just to support him a little.

But now…

Now I wanted to stand beside him.

Ah.

Really.

I—

“I love you.”

The words slipped from my lips.

The moment they did, Toga’s arms tightened around me.

And inside his embrace, I broke down.

I cried openly.

No matter how hard I tried to stop, the tears wouldn’t stop coming.

Like a child.

Driven entirely by emotion.

Repeating over and over that I loved him.

I really do cry a lot.

I always cause trouble.

Toga lifted me onto his lap.

Like a parent comforting a child, he held me close and rubbed my back.

The gentle motion felt so comforting.

Knowing he didn’t hate me eased something inside my chest.

My tears gradually subsided.

And in their place came overwhelming sleepiness.

My eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

I blinked slowly.

Again.

And again.

“You sleepy?” Toga asked.

I nodded.

Without another word, he stood up while carrying me and took me to the bathroom.

He set me down in front of the sink and handed me a brand-new toothbrush.

I actually had one in my bag.

But I didn’t tell him.

I simply accepted the toothbrush and brushed my teeth.

By the time I finished, fighting back yawns, he’d already brought my bag over.

I changed into my pajamas and stepped out.

The moment I opened the door, Toga picked me up again and started walking.

I felt like a little kid.

That was the last coherent thought I had.

Back in the living room, Toga switched off the television and turned out the lights.

I tensed, trying to climb down.

“What?”

“Th-The sofa…”

“The sofa what?”

“…I’m sleepy. I’m going to sleep.”

Apparently understanding exactly what I meant, Toga ignored me completely and kept walking.

My resistance was futile.

He carried me straight into his bedroom.

His bedroom.

The place where Toga slept.

A forbidden area I never imagined entering.

He laid me carefully on the bed.

Then lay down beside me.

I’d planned to sleep on the sofa.

Never in a million years had I expected this.

Turning my back to him, I curled into myself and tried to make my existence as small as possible.

I was so sleepy that moving felt like too much effort.

For once, I was grateful for that irresistible drowsiness.

Normally I would’ve fled immediately and escaped to the sofa.

But tonight, I could blame it on being tired.

Then—

Toga wrapped his arms around me.

Like he was hugging a body pillow.

His warmth pressed against my back.

His arm rested around me.

He’d carried me before.

But this was different.

Completely different.

Fresh tears slipped down my cheeks.

He was so close.

Holding me like this.

And yet…

He didn’t love me.

My heart felt ready to burst from nerves, while the heartbeat against my back remained calm and steady.

That made it hurt.

It made me sad.

Painfully sad.

My heavy eyelids finally surrendered.

I wanted to stay awake.

I wanted to keep feeling Toga’s warmth.

What if this never happened again?

What if I never got another chance?

I wanted to keep watching him.

But my body refused.

At the very least, I wanted proof this wasn’t a dream.

So I placed my hand over his arm.

Warm skin.

Solid flesh.

Real.

Not a dream.

Reality.

“Good night.”

Toga’s gentle whisper brushed against my ear.

After that—

I remembered nothing.

Sleep finally claimed me.

Sunlight streaming through the window told me it was morning.

Still half asleep, I sat up.

The unfamiliar room immediately reminded me of everything that had happened the night before.

My face exploded with heat.

I’d done something unbelievable.

I slept in Toga’s bed.

Beside Toga.

I’d caused him trouble.

Touched him.

Been carried by him.

Been hugged before falling asleep.

Toga wasn’t beside me anymore.

But the indentation on the mattress remained.

Proof that someone had been there.

A strangled noise escaped me.

Regret.

Happiness.

Embarrassment.

Every emotion crashed together as I grabbed my head and writhed across the bed.

How am I supposed to face him?!

Still, I couldn’t hide in the bedroom forever.

Dragging myself out of bed, I shuffled toward the living room.

The moment I opened the door, the smell of freshly toasted bread drifted toward me.

Morning.

It smelled like morning.

“You’re awake.”

Toga’s voice.

I blinked repeatedly and looked toward the kitchen.

There he was.

Standing there.

And for a moment, I genuinely wondered—

Am I still dreaming?

“Good morning…?”

I tilted my head.

“Morning,” he replied.

My brain wasn’t working.

I rubbed my temples and looked again.

Nope.

Still there.

Definitely real.

When I glanced at the television clock, it read 7:30.

Wow.

It’s been forever since I got up this early on a day off.

Still struggling to process reality, I stood there blankly.

Toga approached.

“You still half asleep?”

Then he leaned down and pinched my nose.

My brain immediately rebooted.

“I-I’m awake now!”

“Good.”

Watching me panic with a bright red face, Toga laughed.

The first thing I saw after waking up was Toga.

How could anyone be this happy?

My eyes stung.

And it wasn’t just because he’d pinched my nose.

The moment he let go, I opened my mouth.

“Toga—”

I wanted to apologize for yesterday.

But before I could—

“I’m not listening to any apologies.”

He looked straight into my eyes.

The firmness in his voice left no room for argument.

He already knew what I was about to say.

The words died in my throat.

Toga patted my head.

Then he turned away.

“Wanna eat breakfast?”

I stared blankly.

Breakfast?

Breakfast?

The smell of bread…

Had Toga made it?

Without waiting for an answer, he carried plates to the dining table.

Toast.

Ham and eggs.

Salad.

Onion soup.

The picture-perfect breakfast.

Two servings.

One for him.

One for me.

My hand flew to my chest.

I was so happy it hurt.

Toga really was a genius when it came to making me happy.

He’d made breakfast for me.

For someone like me.

Tears threatened again.

How was I supposed to react calmly to this?

I love him.

“You’re not sitting down?”

I looked up.

Toga was already seated, waiting.

Right.

I should’ve helped.

Actually, I should’ve been the one making breakfast.

But feeding something I’d made to Toga felt far too presumptuous…

Still dazed, I sat down.

“Thank you for the meal.”

Then I clasped my hands together, closed my eyes, and began praying.

Dear God.

Thank you for everything.

I will cherish this day forever.

I am about to eat food made by Toga.

This may very well be the first and last time.

But that’s enough.

I’ve already been given more happiness than I deserve.

Thank you.

Thank you for Toga.

To me, this breakfast was no different from a meal prepared by the gods themselves.

Something touched by Toga was about to enter my mouth.

Such an honor required courage.

Please grant me strength.

Like a Christian standing before a fumi-e, my body froze in prayer.

Eventually, I opened my eyes.

Toga was staring at me.

“That was a pretty long prayer.”

“It still wasn’t enough.”

“Your family Christian or something?”

“No. We’ve been Buddhist for generations.”

“…I see.”

Either he’d figured out there was no point questioning me further or simply given up.

In any case, he said nothing else.

I took a deep breath.

I’m really going to eat this.

With solemn determination, I picked up the toast Toga had made and took a bite.

“…This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.”

Tears spilled down my face.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Toga said.

Ridiculous?

Not at all.

I’d never tasted bread this good.

Toga made this.

Of course it was delicious.

Slowly, carefully, I savored every bite.

By the time I finished, Toga had long since completed his own meal.

While I was offering another lengthy prayer of gratitude, he suddenly spoke.

“Next time, you cook something.”

I froze.

Toga pointed at my empty plate with a teasing smile.

“You ate what I made, didn’t you?”

“…What?!”

“You forget how to speak Japanese?”

“I think my brain stopped understanding Japanese for a moment. Could you please repeat that?”

“Next time, you cook something.”

Word for word.

Exactly the same.

And as he held my gaze, his smile deepened.

Cooking for Toga?

Impossible.

Far too presumptuous.

Absolutely impossible.

But if Toga was asking…

Then I didn’t really have the right to refuse.

Still…

Cooking for him meant he’d eat something I made.

But he’d told me to do it.

Round and round the same thoughts spun through my head.

After what felt like forever, I finally forced the words out.

“…Okay.”

There had never really been another option.

Sorry it took me so long to answer.

I wasn’t an especially good cook.

But if there was even a chance Toga might think it tasted good—

Then I would do my best.

With that determination quietly settled in my heart, I made my decision.