Chapter 32
“…It’s fine.”
Guilt pressed down on him all over. The children came to mind. It was the same heavy feeling that weighed on him every time he saw Ishilia. No, his wife brought a more complicated kind of guilt than mere conscience.
“Is it true that the palace is close to Endrianz?”
“I hope tomorrow comes quickly,” he muttered. Luian turned his head at her words. When she said she wanted to spend more time together, he decided to take her to the mansion. Each day felt like standing on a tightrope—precarious and tense. The uneasy feeling left him uncomfortable.
“It would be better to state it boldly. You’re not exactly being upright, after all.”
“…I see.”
Better late than never, he supposed. Surely that was true. A few days later, he met Ishilia again at the mansion he had returned to with Mari. It felt awkward to face her so closely after such a long time. His heart ached seeing her normally bright golden eyes losing their sparkle. But that was all. He could not reach out. Even after five years, that had not changed.
“…….”
The warmth brushing his hand snapped him back to reality. Amber eyes were watching him. Luian smiled. It was already in the past. Yet whenever he caught himself acting hypocritically, feeling he would not approach her anyway, he felt nauseated.
Overwhelmed by guilt he still could not handle, he did not want to wrong Marilian again. He pulled her closer, as if to soothe her stiff tension. Her overly proper behavior, pretending to be composed, made him laugh.
“I’ll introduce you properly. This is Marilian van Inderik, who will be my concubine. Mari, this is my wife, Ishilia von Endrianz.”
“Nice to meet you, ma’am. I’m Marilian van Inderik. Please feel free to call me Mari.”
Brushing her falling hair back, Marilian spoke quietly. With nothing more to say, he led her toward the mansion. Walking side by side with her hand on his arm, Marilian quietly spoke again.
“You’re beautiful.”
“…Pardon?”
“I mean the lady of Endrianz. Your golden eyes—they shone like gold.”
Amber eyes squinted in a laughing expression. He couldn’t tell why she said that. Unsure how to respond, he fumbled, but Marilian teased him not to be flustered. “I’ll leave now,” she said with a smile, and he smiled back.
─That was the end of the day. Ishilia’s presence did not dominate him as he had feared, and only the woman before him filled his view. That gave Luian some relief.
The next morning. After checking a letter delivered by the butler, Luian sighed. Golden eyes, like his wife’s, looked up at him. He felt both pity and regret for their protest as if asking why it had to be today. Luian patted the child’s head.
“El,”
“…….”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you.”
The face he looked at after whispering birthday wishes was sulky. Stroking her light blue hair, Luian made a helpless expression. Outwardly, it was hard to tell, but El’s expression remained unchanged. Her small, pursed mouth was adorable, but he did not know how to deal with it and felt embarrassed.
In the end, he could not celebrate the child’s birthday and had to bury himself in palace paperwork. Handing over the documents to the crown prince, who smiled faintly, Luian returned to the mansion at dawn. He nodded upon hearing from the butler that El had gone to sleep. Thinking of the child glaring at him tomorrow, he sighed.
Climbing the stairs back to his room, he saw a light on. Light spilled from the gap in the door, drawing a line across the dark hallway. It was his wife’s room.
[You’re not exactly being upright, after all.]
Marilian’s words came to mind. Yes, now that he had revealed her in front of Ishilia, he was no longer upright. His wife remained a difficult person to deal with. He didn’t know why exactly, but she was uncomfortable to be around. Luian sighed. He had shown no hesitation when handing the papers to the crown prince, yet here he was—unsure even of himself.
He could not understand himself.
—
Three days had passed since bringing Marilian to the mansion. It was another ordinary day. After stopping by the crown prince’s office to finish remaining tasks, the day ended peacefully. Arriving at the mansion, he saw only servants. …Mari would probably come in the evening.
“Where’s Ishilia?”
“She went to the palace with the lady.”
“Tell her to come to the study when she returns.”
He gave instructions to the butler and sighed. There was time to spare. Important documents were at the palace, so the ones he had brought were trivial. Entering the study, Luian set down a stack of papers on the table.
“Luian, did you call me?”
She had returned without him noticing and asked warmly. Seeing her cheerful expression made Luian falter in delivering his message. Glancing outside, the sky was tinged red. Perhaps he had been staring at the documents too long; his eyes were dry. After blinking several times, his vision wavered.
“Luian?”
Seeing Ishilia waiting for his reply, the words he had prepared earlier escaped him. Acting considerate toward her now seemed absurd, but the thought of her pale, flushed face froze his tongue. Attempting to ask about what the child was doing, Ishilia smiled in response.
“El is in her room. She’s probably tired after being out for a long time.”
Luian nodded, flipping through the documents urgently. To prevent her from noticing, he placed them before him to hide his face. He felt a wave of aversion, though he did not understand why. …He did not want to think about it.
“I’m going to marry her.”
Speaking impulsively, Luian managed to act quite composed. Ishilia’s face stiffened at his sudden declaration. Luian continued without concern.
“The date… seven days from now would be good.”
“…….”
He realized too late that it overlapped with Marilian’s birthday. Though spoken on impulse, he had no regrets. But Ishilia did not seem the same. He could not understand her intent when she said she loved him. The sudden words confused him. Looking up, he saw that she too seemed taken aback. Her round eyes reflected him, shaken without mercy.
“I love you.”
The golden eyes, previously confused, steadied as she looked at Luian. Hearing her repeatedly say she loved him felt strange. It was unwelcome. He could neither question nor ignore it. Breathless as if someone blocked his prayers, his vision flashed white. His chest ached. He did not want to face Ishilia.
“I’ll send invitations selectively.”
“…….”
His hands trembled as he sifted through the papers. Luian lowered his gaze and reviewed the documents again. Eventually, the shaking subsided. Raising his head, Ishilia was gone. Staring blankly at the closed door, Luian closed his eyes. His chest ached as if boiling inside.
—
[The Lady of Endrianz has agreed to tea in the garden.]
Coming late and saying this, he could not immediately grasp her intent. She looked unusually anxious. He could not know his wife’s intentions, but it would not harm him. Responding so, Marilian nodded and left the room. She came abruptly, spoke words he could not understand, and then did not return after that day. …Had something happened when he met Ishilia?
“Luian!”
He paused, pondering, when someone called him. Turning, a familiar man approached. Raymond waved his hand in a cheerful tone. Hearing him chatter about how glad he was to see him and what he had been up to, Luian sighed. The golden-eyed man smiling at him was bothersome. It had been a while, and he only talked more. Turning away from the over-familiar friend, he tried to leave.
“…Where are you going?”
“…….”
Trying to ignore him, he was grabbed by the shoulder. Straightening his grim expression, he looked at Raymond. His light golden eyes, paler than Ishilia’s, looked at him innocently, which irritated him. Naturally, Luian’s reply was not polite.
“Why are you here? Isn’t your workplace far from here?”
“I’ve been busy, and you haven’t been around much either. I was called by His Highness, and on my way back, I waited for you.”
“…….”
“I submitted a leave request to use vacation days I hadn’t taken, but they weren’t pleased. Looks like this vacation is gone. What should I tell Yuria? You know she’s secretly looking forward to it, even if she doesn’t show it.”
“You said you’d stay abroad for years, just talking nonsense. That won’t do. You’ll have to fix it yourself.”
“…That’s not the answer I wanted.”
Scratching his cheek, Raymond smiled awkwardly. Luian brushed his hand off and looked ahead. He had no intention of wasting time listening to unnecessary complaints. When he tried to slip away while murmuring with a pale face, Raymond grabbed his shoulder again.
