YHTD 13

Chapter 13

During the New Year holiday, Third Master came to Beijing to see in the New Year with me.
Because at Christmas my roommate received a huge bouquet of champagne roses from an anonymous admirer. She asked around and no one knew who had sent them, so she broke the bouquet up and gave the flowers to the pretty girls in our dorm and the dorm next door.
Thinking that Third Master was coming, I cut a piece of the gift-wrapping paper from a book cover and wrapped one of my roses — wrapped it beautifully, like the kind you could sell on the street for a few bucks. I imagined how moved he would be when he saw it, whether he’d cry “wah wah” and throw himself into my arms — the more I thought about it the more romantic it felt. Proud of myself, I hid the flower in my backpack.
That day I had an art-exam student I was taking to Beijing, so I didn’t go to the station to meet Third Master. I picked up the student and helped arrange her accommodation at the school. Just after getting her settled, Third Master called to say he was at the school gate. I told him to meet me at an intersection, and we both started walking toward the agreed spot.
I arrived at the intersection a little earlier than him. I took the bouquet out of my backpack and — very deliberately — stood under a tree with a streetlamp.
In the dim night, a beam of light fell on my outstretched hand. I held the flowers, standing beneath the tree, waiting for the lover I hadn’t seen in a long time.
Pretty, right? That’s exactly how dramas do it, right? When the lead couple meets they should have a passionate hug and a fiery kiss, right?
But in reality, Third Master walked up to me, looked at me quietly for three seconds, and said, “You look like someone who came for a blind date…”
Just as I was about to snap, he quickly took the flowers from my hand and asked, “Is this the little gift you said you’d send me on WeChat? Thank you…”
We walked back to our place. Seeing his awkward expression the whole way, I took the roses back.
He looked relieved and, trying to please me, said, “You look better holding them!”
I snorted coldly, pulled the SpongeBob eye mask I’d bought him out of my bag and gave it to him. Third Master really likes SpongeBob; I’d bought that mask for ten kuai and tricked him into thinking it was seventy-nine kuai — a “luxury item.” Sure enough, when he took the eye mask he was as happy as an idiot; his walk nearly turned into little skips. I felt sad and thought: of course romantic scenes never happen to me — fairy tales are lies!

Later, the plot took a delightfully predictable turn: when he tried on the SpongeBob eye mask he found the elastic too short (probably the women’s version). His head was too big so he couldn’t get it on, and he slumped in the chair like a soggy sponge, silent and miserable.

13
Before going to my grandmother’s house we bought two big bags of fruit. Third Master pulled the suitcase with one hand and carried the fruit in the other.
I told him, “In dramas the male lead always frees up one hand at times like this to hold the heroine’s hand!”
Third Master heard that, happily handed all the fruit to me, freed his left hand, and said to me, “Come on! Let’s hold hands!”
When he grabbed my hand and pulled me along, I gave him a deadpan, exasperated look.

No — not like that… I meant you should carry everything with one hand yourself…

14
On New Year’s Eve I bought night tickets for Happy Valley — I wanted to go to the lantern show with Third Master. Those days there were news reports about a “possible terror attack in Sanlitun,” and Third Master said we shouldn’t go to crowded public places.
Besides, a haze started that night and Third Master said, “With all that haze, what can you even see?”
I wasn’t happy, but he made a point, so I refunded the tickets on the official website. The refund process required entering a reason for the admin to review; I wrote “possible terror attack” and the refund didn’t get approved.
Then Third Master called customer service to ask for the refund.
They asked for the reason for canceling.
He answered, “We’re taking our baby out to play — the haze would be too much for the baby.”
So the customer service promptly approved the refund and returned the money to my bank card.
He gave me a look that said, “See? I’m impressive.” I held it in a long time but couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Who is this ‘baby’?”
Third Master replied with complete confidence, “Of course it’s me.”

At that moment I really wanted to go out and buy a ‘skyrocket’ firecracker to send this ‘baby’ to the sky.

15
On New Year’s Day Third Master and I were curled up at my grandmother’s watching TV when we got a call — a college classmate of his was visiting Beijing. So we braved the level-five smog and went to Wangfujing for lamb hotpot. Walking from Dongdan we saw bus after bus full of soldiers in camouflage, and the pedestrian street was lined with police teams coming and going.
I said to Third Master, “The police officers look so pitiful.”
Third Master glanced at the handsome police squad passing by and said, “Give me a break — at their age they’d call you ‘big sister.’”

You know, if I hadn’t been trying to keep up appearances for him in public, I would have jumped up and given him a spinning kick.