Chapter 81
The Bond I Couldn’t Protect Until the End
Of course, I didn’t obey the commander’s demand to open my mouth.
Instead, I told him a fact that wasn’t all that new.
“…I still have both my hands and feet.”
“So?”
“That means I can eat on my own.”
“But you’re a patient.”
Apparently, there was a huge difference between what he thought a patient was and what I did.
To me, a patient meant “someone with at least two fractures or amputations, unable to move freely.”
Yet he insisted on treating me like a patient, even though I didn’t have a single broken bone.
“My body’s perfectly fine now, really. If you just hand me the bowl, I can feed mys— cough, cough!”
In the middle of my sentence, he suddenly shoved a spoonful of stew into my mouth, making me choke.
I glared at him, full of protest, only for him to chuckle.
“Come on, just eat quietly, won’t you?”
“I told you, I’m fine. You don’t need to feed m— ngh!”
Again, he stuffed another spoonful of stew into my mouth.
It was clear that if I resisted any further, he’d just keep forcing food into me, so I gave up and quietly opened my mouth to accept it.
Even so, I couldn’t resist grumbling.
“Isn’t this rather unkind nursing? Anyone watching would think you’re torturing me with food.”
“You compare my heartfelt care to torture? That hurts. I only want you to recover quickly, so I fed you with enthusiasm.”
“If you were any more enthusiastic, you’d kill someone.”
At my words, he laughed softly.
After that, his hand feeding me became gentler.
Thanks to that, I could finally eat in peace.
By the time I had nearly finished the stew and bread, something I’d forgotten in all the chaos suddenly came back to me.
“Ah, by the way—what happened to the Emperor’s guards?”
“…”
“And our knights? They all came back safely, right? The ones who went north—Maxilian, Oscar… and Karl too.”
If Karl had returned safely and was here, I could report to Ernandt.
That I had returned to the order.
Of course, since the other knights were here too, I couldn’t carelessly contact Ernandt, but I still had to be cautious.
So I tried to get up from the bed to check on Karl.
“I can’t just sit here. I need to see Karl for a moment. I have something to tell—”
“Yulia.”
The commander’s heavy voice stopped me as I tried to climb down.
I froze, waiting for him to continue.
He set the now-empty bowls down on the bedside table and asked me quietly.
“Don’t you have something to confess to me?”
“…”
“I have something to confess to you too.”
The warm atmosphere instantly froze over at his words.
Silence pressed down between us until I finally forced myself to speak.
“…Something I should confess?”
“When you said you got lost in the north because of a monster attack—was that really true?”
“…”
The moment he asked, I knew.
A lie wouldn’t work.
“…So you knew all along?”
“Yes. From the moment I heard you’d gone missing, the Winter Queen didn’t matter to me anymore. All I could think of was finding you. I searched desperately with the others, and eventually I learned the truth of why you disappeared.”
He sighed faintly before continuing.
“You weren’t separated because of monsters. You were—”
“Yes. That’s right. I was attacked by Raymond, the Emperor’s guard captain.”
Since he already knew, I confessed first.
But I didn’t mention Karl’s involvement.
Revealing that would put Karl in danger.
So I only told half the truth. But the commander shook his head.
“It wasn’t just Raymond, was it?”
“…”
“I already know what Karl did to you.”
It felt like my heart fell off a cliff.
So he knew Karl had been involved too.
My throat felt choked with a stone, and after several tries I barely managed to ask:
“…What did you do to Karl?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes. I need to know. Please tell me.”
I spoke firmly, but inside, fear swelled.
I was afraid to hear the answer.
Afraid he would tell me Karl was dead.
But I couldn’t run away, so I stood my ground and waited.
At last, his lips moved, and his answer came.
“Karl is dead.”
“…”
“I asked him where you were hidden. When he refused, I was prepared to torture him until he talked. But before I could… he swallowed poison himself.”
“…”
I had finally heard the one answer I had dreaded the most.
As the weight of it crushed me, the commander asked softly:
“Do you resent me?”
I looked straight into his eyes.
In those golden irises, I glimpsed a flicker of fear.
His fingers fidgeted nervously.
So full of fear and anxiety, he spoke again.
“I understand. I know how much you cared about Karl. Even if you resent me… I can’t blame you.”
“No. I don’t resent you.”
“…You don’t?”
He looked shocked.
Had he really expected me to throw blame and tears at him over Karl’s death?
He couldn’t seem to understand, so he asked quickly:
“Why not? I do bear responsibility. Karl drank the poison himself, but I created the situation. If I hadn’t pushed him so hard during interrogation—”
“But even if it were me, I would have done the same.”
I spoke firmly, so he wouldn’t blame himself further.
Then I continued.
“One of our knights was kidnapped. Of course you had to interrogate Karl. That couldn’t be avoided.”
“…”
“It wasn’t you who destroyed Karl. It was the Emperor… and Karl himself.”
Yes. Who else could I blame?
It was Ernandt who deceived Karl.
And Karl who betrayed us because he believed him.
“Of course, I am sad. Even if he made the wrong choice at the end, he was still my longtime friend. I’ll grieve for years, I know that. But none of it is your fault.”
I reached out and gently cupped his face.
Then I lifted his bowed head so he would look at me.
“You don’t need to feel guilty. You don’t need to apologize. I just… want comfort.”
“Comfort, huh… In what way?”
“Give me comfort in the way you know best.”
There are many forms of comfort, but right now, we were both thinking of the same kind.
He pushed me back softly onto the bed, climbing over me.
It was time to be comforted with all the sincerity of body and heart.
In the middle of the night, while everyone slept, I slipped out of the tent.
The freezing air struck me as soon as I escaped the stifling warmth inside.
I pulled the commander’s coat tighter around my shoulders and walked slowly.
When I reached a clearing some distance away, I saw ashes left behind from a fire.
The commander had told me that Karl’s belongings had been burned there.
They could have been sent to his family, but even that required manpower.
And no one was willing to spare effort for a man who had betrayed us.
So all of Karl’s possessions had been consigned to flames.
“…”
I silently gazed at the ashes.
No tears came.
The first time I lost him, in my past life, I had cried until my eyes were swollen.
Maybe because this was the second time. Or maybe because the betrayal he left me with had burned away the sorrow.
I didn’t know.
Then his last words to me came back.
—“I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry, Vice Commander.”
Those words of apology had hurt me so much back then.
But now, I was the one repeating them back to him.
“I’m sorry.”
I had believed that, since I had managed to change the fates of others, I could also save Karl this time.
But he died in a way I could never have predicted, without giving me a chance to stop it.
Even if this fate was the result of his own sins, a shard of guilt still remained, stabbing at my heart.
“…”
I pressed my hands together in prayer before the ashes—Karl’s last trace.
Just then, a gust of wind blew, scattering the remaining ashes away.
They drifted off to somewhere far beyond, never to return to me again.
