Episode 11. Do What You Want, Feel What You Want.
“Promise me first. That someday, you’ll grant me whatever I want.”
“Why won’t you say it now?”
“Are you worried I’ll ask for something absurd?”
His golden eyes sparkled unusually. I lifted my chin as I looked at the gaze that strangely combined the mischievousness of a boy and the composure of an adult man.
“Have you forgotten who I am? There’s nothing I cannot give you. Say it anytime.”
“As expected, the master is the best. Haha.”
Enrik laughed out loud, thrilled about something.
Just hearing his clear, melodious laughter felt like it washed away old worries.
‘Have I also awakened to the pleasures that come from a handsome man?’
After the official announcement that Enrik would be my consort, I invited him to my chamber without hesitation.
Lying on the bed and having small conversations with him was far more enjoyable than I had imagined.
It was hard to believe he had lost his memory—Enrik was extremely knowledgeable.
He was particularly well-versed in the unique regions of the continent and their flora and fauna.
He would sit by my bedside, telling me various stories until I fell asleep.
He looked like a doting father putting his daughter to bed. Having missed out on a proper childhood while being trained as an empress, I felt I was making up for lost time, staying close to Enrik and getting absorbed in his fantastic stories.
“On Rilke Island, giant turtles live. They usually live for 500 years.”
“Who proves that they live 500 years?”
“There are spiral-shaped growth rings on their shells. A fully grown turtle is stronger than ten men. They even plow fields, though very slowly.”
“A turtle plowing fields instead of oxen? That’s amazing.”
“Do you want to see one, master?”
Of course I wanted to. But I didn’t have the time. My strength was absurdly lacking.
Even taking a walk in the garden in a wheelchair drained all my energy.
‘Living freely isn’t easy. There are too many mountains to climb.’
Enrik, walking at my pace, suddenly stopped.
His gaze fixed on my hands resting on the wheelchair wheels.
“Can’t I push it?”
“My wheelchair has no handles.”
“You can push the backrest. I’ll be careful.”
“No one is allowed to do that. There are those whose wrists were cut off just for touching the wheelchair.”
“But I’m not just anyone, am I?”
Enrik asked in a grave tone. Not just anyone, but even more problematic.
Because I feared how far I could allow him. I clenched my calloused hands.
My wrists tingled, and my arms trembled slightly. When would the day come that I could push the wheelchair myself?
It was clear that day wasn’t far off. Until then, I wanted to move on my own.
“I can do it myself. At least seeing the roses—I want to do that with my own strength.”
“…So the master likes flowers.”
“I don’t dislike them.”
“That’s not an answer. If you like it, you like it; if you don’t, you don’t.”
Enrik’s eyebrows arched sharply, as if he couldn’t understand.
‘Why can’t I just say I like something clearly?’
I sifted through my memories for the things I had liked: Clifford, who I only had a crush on; adventure novels banned for distracting me from studies; picnics, caramel candies, easy active dresses, horseback riding…
All things that had been forbidden or I had to give up. At some point, I had erased the feeling of liking things entirely.
It hurt far less than being forced to do things I didn’t like while being unable to do what I did.
But that life was over now. I added items to my mental list of things I wanted to do:
“Express freely what I like.”
It was also something Enrik had awakened in me, making me feel strangely emotional.
“Master must also like the Achobara Jungle at the edge of the southern continent. There, flowers bloom all year round.”
“No winters there?”
“It’s warmer than Angel’s spring. Flowers that bloom in winter are especially beautiful—more than the roses here.”
Enrik carefully held a red rose as if supporting it, his hands gentle as if touching a lover’s cheek.
“Roses perfectly tended in a garden are beautiful, but… somehow they look lonely.”
“You speak quite poetically.”
“It doesn’t suit a former gladiator slave, right?”
“Maybe your hobby was reading.”
“No way. I hated books.”
Enrik jumped slightly. It reminded me of Dewey, who used to complain that reading was boring, making me twitch my lips. I composed myself and asked,
“Have you read the books I gave you?”
I had given Enrik books covering major nations’ languages, cultures, history, and religions, hoping to guess his origin from his knowledge—but it wasn’t easy.
“I can read and write the common language of the West Wing continent fluently. I couldn’t read Angel’s ancient scripts, but I knew the history and culture of the Colonatus Empire and Autonia. Intermediate math and some foreign languages were also possible.”
“You seem to have received quite an advanced education.”
“I hate theology. My head aches whenever Ahala’s goddess is mentioned.”
“I also scored lowest in theology.”
“Why did the master dislike theology?”
‘Did I dislike it? I just scored poorly.’
In my world, there were only things I had to do or couldn’t do.
‘Not anymore. Stella. Say no to what you dislike.’
“I hated that Ahala’s goddess seemed to force women into blind obedience. I wanted to be more confident than anyone.”
But I lived more submissively than any woman. The goddess Ahala governed life and death, predicted the future, and punished evildoers. Because I had borrowed her divine power, my limbs stiffened, and eventually my heart would harden.
If I could walk on my own, this time in the garden with Enrik would be much more enjoyable. I could even adventure to the jungle at the edge of the continent.
I lowered my head, smoothing the blanket over my knees.
“Then you’ve lived well. I’ve never seen a woman as confident as the master.”
“Only on the surface. If you truly knew me, you wouldn’t say that.”
“Then tell me.”
Enrik demanded suddenly, arrogantly confident.
“Tell me your true feelings. Who you really are. Everything. Let me know everything about you.”
I hated being looked down upon, but Enrik’s direct gaze didn’t feel unpleasant. I didn’t mind that he was curious about me, or his golden eyes that shone like the sun.
“Do you want to know about me?”
“Every last detail. I want to know what the master wants, what she wants to do, what she wants to feel.”
“And what would you do if you knew?”
“I want to let you do what you want and feel what you want.”
Enrik’s sincere voice tangled my heart completely.
The distance between us shrank again. If I stepped back, he would stride forward into me.
I could vaguely guess what his gaze wanted. I, too, had once been that kind of girl—curious about everything, wanting to share every moment, wanting to give only precious things.
But the girl had vowed never to love anyone again.
‘I’m just using you for now. You’re no more than a tool for me.’
A gust of wind blew.
“Ah.”
I reached out, but the blanket fled mischievously with the wind. I grabbed the hem of my dress.
I was anxious that Enrik might notice my thin legs hidden under the dress.
Even though I insisted he was just a tool, I found myself speaking differently.
That’s when an unfamiliar voice reached me.
—
“Are you Her Majesty the Empress?”
Prince Gillian of Autonia picked up my blanket. He seemed unsure, but I was certain—I had seen his torn eyes resembling his father in a past life.
“Finally, we meet! If I had known, I would have come to the rose garden every day.”
Gillian smiled charmingly. I replied cynically:
“Is it really a coincidence? Someone seems to have informed you of my walking time.”
“It’s true that I longed to meet Her Majesty the Empress so much that I had to rely on an almost fated coincidence.”
“I’ve withdrawn from all state affairs, including diplomacy.”
“Isn’t Her Majesty the true master of Angel?”
“That joke isn’t very amusing.”
Even with my cold answer, Gillian’s smile didn’t waver. His gaze fell on Enrik.
“Oh? Is this the rumored slave?”
“He’s a personal guard.”
“A guard even more beautiful than the rumors suggested. The morale of the knights will surely rise.”
Gillian’s face flushed as he looked Enrik over.
‘He’s not… blue-blooded, is he?’
I wanted to command that no one look at what was mine.
Mine. I unconsciously called Enrik mine again. I couldn’t describe him as anything else.
Even though I swore not to be shaken, my chest felt hot.
“Thank you for the excessive praise, Your Highness.”
Enrik maintained his noble etiquette. It was so different from when we were alone that I nearly burst out laughing.
“You are the luckiest man on the continent. To serve the beautiful Empress so closely.”
“I always consider it an honor.”
“If I could be the Empress’s man, I’d even become a slave. Haha.”
Gillian laughed heartily. Enrik, expression unchanged, replied leisurely:
“Even if Your Highness were a slave, you wouldn’t have been chosen by the master.”
“What?”
“You like big, barbaric things, like me.”
Gillian, shorter than most men, felt his earlobes burn red. Enrik quickly apologized:
“If I offended, I apologize. I only spoke of the master’s unique tastes.”
“Hmmph!”
Gillian’s eyebrows twitched for the first time.
I wanted to end this tiring conversation. I touched my forehead.
“I’m getting worked up again.”
“I’ll take you inside, master.”
Enrik understood immediately. I didn’t expect him to naturally take hold of the wheelchair.
‘I told you never to touch it…!’
Enrik whispered to my stiffened self:
“Sometimes, let me do it. After all, I’m your consort, aren’t I?”
“!”
“Gillian is watching. You’re supposed to act more affectionate in front of others, right?”
How could I resist being called a consort? The ticklish, thrilling sensation in my ears.
Enrik slowly pushed the wheelchair. His movements were as natural as clouds drifting over the wind—so unfamiliar.
Unfamiliar, but not unpleasant. My hands didn’t hurt, and I saved energy. Honestly, it felt really good.
I worried I’d want to keep asking him to do it.
“Your Majesty! I haven’t finished speaking!”
Gillian blocked me.
“I have nothing to say to the prince.”
“Are you officially ignoring me, as Autonia’s envoy?”
“How could it be official? I thought this was a private, chance encounter with the prince.”
“Th-That is…!”
“Let’s go back. I don’t want the prince to earn the reputation of sneaking into the garden to see the empress in recovery.”
Gillian, realizing he’d been bested, burst into laughter.
“Truly, the hero is Her Majesty the Empress! I thought the emperor was too easy.”
“I’ll take that praise only so far.”
“But I can’t back down yet. I’ve already spent 500,000 gold.”
“?!”
A dizzying shock swept over me. Gillian’s greedy voice pierced my eardrums.
“Haven’t you heard? The emperor promised to show me the future tomorrow.”
