LLTEEFM 129

#129. I Only Wish to Walk the Long Way Around

“May your body be healthy and your fragrance spread far.”

On the evening of the day I returned, I went to pay my respects to the Empress Dowager.

It was only proper: she was the most senior elder in the imperial palace, and she had also looked after my quarters while I was away.

Of course, I won’t deny that this was also an excuse to avoid having dinner with Their Majesties.

Normally, His Majesty always dines with the imperial couple, and since it was the day of my return, I would almost certainly have been summoned as well.

But if I claimed I was going to see the Empress Dowager, then there would be no reason to call me in.

It seemed wise to schedule various engagements for the next three or four days—at least until the paperwork was finished. That way I could leave quietly, without ever having to face the Emperor again.

“Thanks to you, I’ve been well.”

The dinner I shared with the Empress Dowager, just the two of us, was quiet. I ate the appetizer in peace, content with the calm atmosphere.

“You don’t look all that well to me.”

I had just been thinking the finely minced salmon with sauce was a refreshing way to whet the appetite, when suddenly an unexpected attack came flying.

I chewed and chewed on the appetizer that barely required chewing at all, then finally replied slowly.

“The road back was… rough.”

Of course, it was a metaphor. In truth, we had chosen the smoothest, least demanding route, taking twice the time on purpose.

She could never guess the real reason. But at the very least, she must know there’s discord between His Majesty and me.

After all, aside from Liana, the imperial family must have realized that the poisoning incident five years ago was nothing more than a scheme I staged myself.

That was another reason I felt uneasy about seeing the Emperor. If by chance I ever had to meet him alone…

And if he chose to press me about it—how could I possibly explain?

“Was five years not enough time to return?”

I had deliberately spoken in circles because I couldn’t exactly say, ‘I feel like I’m sitting on needles because I’m at odds with your son.’

But perhaps five years was too long even for the ocean-deep patience of the Empress Dowager, for she raised the time frame outright.

“I don’t know what burden it is you carry.”

By “burden,” she meant my problem with His Majesty.

She must think I went to the Academy to escape it, and that I chose to remain at the research institute for the same reason.

“But perhaps now it’s time to untangle that knot.”

Of course, the problem I hold now is not the same as when I first left.

But in essence, her words weren’t wrong. Both then and now, I am running from something.

Even my plan to rebuild the Empire, to prove the worth of my previous life—that, too, is a kind of escape.

If I am to live, then I should live this life properly. Clinging to a past that has long turned to dust—isn’t that escape, if not folly?

And yet, I cannot abandon this plan.

I know focusing on the future would be more practical. But I cannot bury the past in my heart.

It is not that I don’t know it’s a foolish choice. It’s that, even knowing, I cannot walk another path.

At the end of my previous life, I knew there might have been better choices. Yet the only choice I could make was to destroy myself. So how could I possibly take a different road now?

“I only…”

And so, this was all I could say to the Empress Dowager.

“…wish to walk the long way around.”

For others, this life might have been a second “beginning.”

But for me, it is nothing more than a winding detour toward the destination I failed to reach in my past life.

I am too pitiful, still unable even to arrive at the present—let alone forget the past and live for the future.

“…I see. Then I hope you’ll return while my health still lasts.”

“I’ll do my best to hurry.”

Of course, I had no intention of returning here. But I could not reveal my true plan.

So I did what I had become rather good at: fixed a practiced smile upon my face.

“You’ve returned.”

After finishing that uncomfortable dinner, I came back to my quarters to find Tula waiting for me.

I blinked, surprised.

“Didn’t I tell you to rest? That meant immediately, from that moment on.”

For the week we were in the capital, I had ordered Tula to rest completely.

Had she really been waiting here the whole time I was at the Empress Dowager’s palace?

The thought that my unclear words had caused her needless trouble made me frown. But she just smiled and took my outer robe.

“Yes. Which is why I’m here.”

Though it had been quite some time since she had directly attended to me, her movements were smooth and natural.

She must not have had much opportunity to serve others while in the kingdom, and yet—

“To see the face of the princess I serve again—that is my rest.”

I let her wash my hands and unbutton my clothes, leaving myself to her care.

Like a child of three, who cannot even climb down from a chair alone.

Though I am now grown, simply having Tula beside me makes me feel as though I have not grown at all—
as though I’ve gone back to those days when I could not manage without another’s care.

And she didn’t stop at merely helping me change.

She prepared my bath, dressed me afterward, dried my hair.

Her touch was more careful, more delicate, than anything I could do for myself.

“Let me ask again—are you truly sure you don’t wish to go back to your room and rest?”

“As I said, this is my rest.”

Her quiet laughter brushed against my ears.

My body, which hadn’t tired even through weeks of travel, melted into a pleasant heaviness.

Half closing my eyes, I asked again.

“Tula.”

“Yes, Your Highness?”

“What is your wish?”

It was far too late to ask such a question. Even if she answered freedom, I could not grant it.

By now, I had no confidence in carrying out my plan without her.

Fortunately, she didn’t say anything like wishing to escape the political strife and retire to the countryside.

“My wish is simply… to remain by Your Highness’s side.”

I waited for her to continue, but that was all.

“And after that?”

“That is the end. If Your Highness allows me to stay, that alone is enough. Even if my title is stripped and I am demoted to commoner again, even if I am worked to exhaustion, even if I am given only menial tasks that mean nothing by Your Highness’s standards—it doesn’t matter.”

I frowned at words I could not understand.

That she wished to stay by my side—I could accept. I treat my attendants very well.

And Tula is clever enough to read the currents of politics by now. She must know how dangerous things were when we first came to the Empire, and how I saved her life by making her do things far beyond her years.

If she said she wished to stay out of gratitude, I could accept that.

If she said she wanted the higher rank or wealth and power I could grant her, I could accept that too.

For her, attaching herself to me might be the best path upward.

But to say her only wish is simply to remain by my side—without gain, without ambition? Not even to help me, not to use me to fulfill her own desires?

“Perhaps… it is because you feel you have already been repaid enough.”

Her answer made no sense—no more than His Majesty’s assessment of Yuhyeon.

When I once suspected Yuhyeon of destroying the Empire, I thought it was because he never received what he wanted.

That I had left something he still deserved to have, and died before giving it to him. That his resentment had built up from that lack.

But His Majesty had said otherwise.

He believed Yuhyeon acted out of vengeance for me because, in truth, he had already received more than enough from me.

But had I ever given that child anything worth two lifetimes? Enough that, having nothing left to receive, he would willingly devote his remaining life for me?

I could not understand it. And perhaps that is why I cannot understand Tula’s words either.

No more to take, no more to give—
and yet she claims her wish is only to stay by my side.

How could washing my hands, buttoning my clothes, drying my hair—how could these things be her “rest”?

My mind tangled itself into knots. I wanted only to stop thinking.

But memories of Yuhyeon in the days when I was gone kept surfacing, and I could not.

Closing my wide eyes again, I let out a low sigh.

I can read and use the hearts of those who hate me so easily.

Yet the hearts of those who truly care for me—those, I can never seem to understand. And that alone makes me endlessly sorry.