IDURHF 6-PART 4

Chapter 6

 Becoming Emperor

It was a life that felt dead while still alive.

I performed my duties as emperor, but my heart was like a dry desert—unable to accept anything, unable to trust anyone, and seeing everyone around me as an enemy.

My childhood friends and close aides—Julius, Cyril, and Theo—tried to assist me with my work, but I pushed them away. If I kept myself busy, my body could move even though my heart was dead. That was how I managed to survive.

After losing Cecil, there were countless times I wished to go to him.
Even if I didn’t fully understand that it meant death, I had no interest in a world without Cecil.
The only reason I continued living was that this life was saved by Cecil, and Cecil had wanted me to live.

I also learned over these twelve years that humans are not easily able to die.
There were periods when I refused to eat, intending to end my life, but watching my mother cry as she tried to feed me, I realized I couldn’t go through with it.
I even considered slitting my throat with a knife, but every time I imagined Cecil falling, drenched in bright red blood, I stopped myself.

Cecil told me to “run away.”
Cecil wanted me to live.

The clothes Cecil made for me, embroidered with blue vine patterns, were the only thing keeping me tethered to this world.
Every time my fingers traced the blue embroidery, I remembered Cecil stitching each line carefully. That embroidery carried Cecil’s feelings.
The bloodstains never faded, but I understood that they were a burden I had to bear.

My existence had taken Cecil’s life.
My mother said she wanted me to “be happy,” but I was not a person meant to be happy.
Because of me, the person I loved most had died.

Cecil, who had cherished me, taught me love, and loved me dearly.
If I hadn’t existed, Cecil would not have died. If we hadn’t met, he would have lived peacefully in a distant border village.
It was all my fault.

A doctor prescribed sleeping pills for me, as I could not sleep at night.
Sleep induced by pills was not restful—it felt like consciousness vanished instantly, waking me suddenly—but it spared me from dreams.
If I had dreamt, I would have repeatedly seen Cecil.
Smiling Cecil. Cecil speaking to me. Cecil’s serious profile as he stitched. Cecil glancing at me while sewing.
And then, Cecil struck down by the sword of a soldier, drenched in blood.

Seeing Cecil die over and over again would have driven me insane.

My mother worried about my reliance on sleeping pills, but I kept my distance from her.
I suspect that the lightly dressed woman who appeared in my room just before my ascension was guided by my mother.

The security in my room at the Imperial Palace was extremely strict. Without it, my life could not be protected. Only my mother could have facilitated bypassing such security.

I had no allies in the palace.
There was no one I could trust.
I was completely alone, isolated as the emperor.

Those around me seemed to fear me.
I was okay with that.
I didn’t want to bond with anyone. No one could save my heart.

During that time, I came across a book.
It seemed to have been issued by the church of this country, and one copy was handed to me for censorship purposes.
It said the following:

The soul reincarnates.
The soul of the deceased enters a new body.
Reincarnated souls do not retain memories of their previous life, though occasionally, someone may be born with memories of a past life.

The book included several examples, but I couldn’t believe it.
Reincarnation… there is no such thing.
If it existed, then what would death mean? What would life mean?
After death, there is only emptiness.
Humans return to nothingness. That’s all there is.
Otherwise, Cecil would be reborn somewhere.
I could not search for Cecil’s reincarnation, nor would I know what face to meet him with.
Would Cecil hate me? Would he despise me, the one who caused his death?
I missed Cecil, yet I feared I would be judged if I saw him.

Had I revealed my identity and name, I might have been found and killed, but Cecil might have lived.
My existence had killed Cecil.

No matter how many times I thought about it, that was the conclusion. Each time I did, it felt as if shards of glass cut down my throat and chest, freezing my heart.

Since the moment Cecil died before my eyes, I could not even cry.
I felt I had no right to cry, being the cause of his death.

Every breath was painful.
Food tasted like sand.
I wanted to go to Cecil.
That feeling grew stronger every day.

Julius, Cyril, and Theo were very worried about me, but I would not allow them to interfere. Even speaking to me annoyed me.
I was not a person who could socialize.
I was a sinner.
I bore the responsibility of being emperor to atone for my sins.

I thought only of ensuring that no one would be killed like Cecil again.

Cecil had wanted to be a seamstress.
I wanted to fulfill that dream for him, but I didn’t know how an emperor could make a girl in this country realize that dream.
Women in this country had low status—they helped with household duties until adulthood, then married immediately, became wives, bore children, and supported their husband’s work. That was considered normal.
Cecil did not want to marry.

One night in Cecil’s village, I woke from the heat and heard him mutter:

“If one day I were to marry and have a child…”

I couldn’t understand exactly what he was thinking, but I listened carefully, thinking he might be talking about marriage. His tone became stern:

“I won’t marry. Marriage is a woman’s grave.”

I sat up and asked:

“Do you want a baby, big sister?”
“Garnet, you were awake?”

I watched Cecil’s surprised face, waiting for an answer. He sighed, smiled wryly, and spoke:

“Babies are cute, but I can’t imagine having one myself. If it were a cute child like Garnet, that would be nice.”
“If you married me, maybe the baby would look just like me!”
“Marrying Garnet, huh. It would take twelve years for that to happen.”

At the time, I didn’t fully understand. I was six; Cecil was sixteen. By the time I turned eighteen, Cecil would be twenty-eight. In this country, women were married immediately upon adulthood, so remaining unmarried until twenty-eight was extremely rare. I didn’t understand then that women have only a certain period in which they can bear children. After that, finding a husband and giving birth becomes difficult.

“I don’t think I want to marry for my whole life.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d lose my freedom.”
“Why would marrying make you lose your freedom?”

I, not knowing much about women, asked, and Cecil smiled wryly:

“Women must marry, bear and raise children, and run the household. They must obey their husbands and support their work. I want to work on my own, not support a husband.”
“Why must women obey their husbands?”
“I don’t know. That’s just how society is, I guess.”

Even Cecil, ten years older than me, didn’t understand this society. But she found it unfair and did not want to marry.
I believed that one day, as emperor, I could change anything in the country.

“I’ll change it.”
“Huh?”
“I’ll change this country. Then, will you marry me?”

I had just begun to realize that I could influence the country, but Cecil didn’t take me seriously.

“Forget that, let’s sleep. You won’t wake up tomorrow if we stay up.”
“Big sister, answer me!”
“Fine, fine… maybe someday.”

Still, I went to sleep holding onto the hope that if I changed the country, Cecil might marry me.

Looking back, I was childish and foolish.
I thought changing a country would be easy as emperor, but every action requires the involvement of the parliament. Without approval, even the emperor cannot act freely.
Even if I wanted to create a society where women had freedom, I didn’t know how to. I was powerless, even as emperor.

I wanted to keep the promise I made to Cecil.
It was the only way I could atone for my sins, yet even that seemed impossible.

I had lost the meaning of living.