Chapter 19
19. Regarding My Night with Lord Alec
Lord Alec had been quite busy lately, and even our dinners had been pushed to later hours.
But that evening, he returned home in time to dine with me.
When I greeted him in the entrance hall, he pulled me into his arms.
“I’m home, Lacey.”
“Welcome back, Lord Alec.”
As I wrapped my arms around his broad back, the deep scent of his cologne filled my senses, and I closed my eyes.
His lips brushed softly against my cheek.
Being kissed in front of the servants was a little embarrassing, but… I also wanted his touch, so I accepted it quietly.
When we sat for dinner, Lord Alec cleared his throat, a faint blush coloring his face.
“Lady Laval told me about your worries, Lacey. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”
“It’s all right… perhaps we should talk about it when we’re alone.”
“You’re right. Let’s focus on our meal for now.”
After dinner, I asked my maid to bathe and polish me from head to toe. She rubbed fragrant oils into my skin and hair until I glowed, then I went to our bedchamber.
Lord Alec was already there, waiting for me.
When I sat beside him on the sofa, he cupped my cheek with his hand and kissed me.
As I closed my eyes, he drew back and sighed deeply.
“You looked as though you were in pain our first time… so I held myself back afterward. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never imagined that restraint would make you anxious.”
“There was a little discomfort, but I’m fine now. I… I want to have your child, Lord Alec.”
Once I said it, I couldn’t stop. The words poured out from my heart.
“I know that, as Empress, I’m expected to bear an heir to carry on His Majesty’s bloodline. But that’s not the only reason. I love you, Lord Alec. I want your child — because I love you.”
“Lacey…”
“Forgive me. I must sound shameless.”
He pulled me close, holding me tightly.
“You’re not shameless. We’re husband and wife. Intimacy between us is natural — important, even. It was wrong of me to avoid asking what you wanted. From now on, I’ll be honest with you. And I want you to be honest with me too, about everything.”
“Then… is it all right for me to want you?”
“I’ve wanted you all along, Lacey. I was just afraid. Afraid that if you felt pain again, you’d come to hate me. I was a coward.”
“Lord Alec… I love you.”
“And I love you.”
After another kiss, Lord Alec lifted me into his arms and gently laid me on the bed.
He untied his long silver hair and looked down at me.
“Lacey, may I hold you?”
His voice was thick with warmth. My face burned red as I nodded desperately.
Our lips met again, and the lights dimmed.
That night, I received his love.
The next morning, when my body still felt a faint ache, Lord Alec had breakfast brought to our room — though he carried the tray in himself and allowed no one else inside.
Soft bread, warm soup, yogurt, and fruit — everything was gentle on the stomach.
He ate his usual meal, while I sat up in bed with a tray on my lap, savoring each bite.
I felt far less discomfort than I had the first time, but Lord Alec still looked worried.
“Take it easy today. I’ll finish my work early and be back in time for tea.”
“All right. Please take care, Lord Alec.”
“I will. See you soon, Lacey.”
He left after kissing my hand, forbidding me to rise from bed.
As I watched him go, I realized how thoroughly he spoiled me.
Even though we were husband and wife — and intimacy was natural — he had been thinking of my comfort first, holding back for my sake, and even last night, he had sought my clear consent before going further.
If I had refused, I knew he would have stopped immediately.
It was because I trusted and loved him that I could give myself to him completely.
After another short nap, I bathed, changed clothes, and began working on the text for the invitations to my upcoming birthday tea party.
Lady Laval had said the design would be embossed and printed, but the words themselves had to come from me.
Writing something polite yet warm — something that would not offend any guest — was harder than I’d expected.
By the time I finished, it was nearly tea hour. I handed the final draft to my maid, who understood at once and arranged for it to be sent to the palace printers.
When Lord Alec returned that afternoon, I greeted him again in the entrance hall.
“Welcome home, Lord Alec. My body feels fine today.”
“I’m glad to hear it, Lacey. I love you.”
“And I love you, too.”
He leaned in as if to kiss me, but flustered, I pressed a hand to his chest and gently refused.
He didn’t look offended; instead, he took my hand and escorted me to the tea room.
When the servants had poured our tea and left, he made a small gesture — and we were alone.
“When I desire you, I’ll tell you so directly. And if you can’t accept me then, I want you to say it plainly.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“And when you want me, Lacey, I want you to tell me as well. We’re husband and wife — we should always be honest about our feelings.”
“Yes… It’s embarrassing, but I’ll do my best.”
That was the promise we made to each other.
If we could keep it, I knew we would always remain a good couple.
“If ever I want you too much, please don’t hesitate to say no, all right?”
“Of course. I promise.”
“I love you so much that it frightens me sometimes. I never want you to feel pain — not even a little.”
Hearing that made me wonder if he’d be all right when I became pregnant someday.
I had heard that pregnancy and childbirth bring great pain and change to a woman’s body.
Would he be able to endure seeing me suffer through that?
“I’ll become stronger,” I said quietly.
“Lacey?”
“I want to become strong enough that you’ll never have to worry about me.”
In school, I’d been taught that a husband could do little during pregnancy or childbirth — that women must bear those burdens themselves.
But I knew that if I ever cried out in pain, Lord Alec would suffer as though it were his own.
And childbirth, they said, was a struggle between life and death.
I couldn’t let myself die and leave him behind.
For his sake, and for my own, I had to live — for a long, long time.
And of course, I wanted him to live just as long.
I wanted us to grow old together, to pass away only when our time came — surrounded by children and grandchildren.
That was my dream.
