14. You Should Have Let Me Die
2023.11.14.
Her body felt light—so light that it felt less like walking and more like flying.
Yet the soil under her feet was icy enough to chill her skin, and the biting wind stung sharply.
From somewhere came the sound of someone quietly sobbing. Helena soon realized it was her who was crying.
To be precise, it was her childhood self.
⌜I can’t stand looking at your face without getting angry! How could you mess up such a simple task?! Is it really that hard just to sit and keep watch?! Don’t even think about coming home tonight!⌟
Matilda slammed the door shut. Young Helena curled up against the worn exterior wall, red liquid streaming down her forehead.
⌜She said she’d come… if I wait, she’ll come… I just need to wait.⌟
The child buried her head between her knees and murmured on. Her sobs garbled the words, making them hard to understand.
⌜She promised… she’ll come for me, –.⌟
As she strained to listen more closely, the surrounding scenery began to ripple. It distorted violently, coalescing into a single point, and suddenly her body felt weighted once more.
‘…Was it a dream?’
After several attempts, Helena finally forced her eyes open.
The first sensation of returning from dreamlike reverie to reality was unbearably heavy. Her whole body creaked, her head throbbed, and it took some time before she could move her muscles at will.
When she fully regained awareness, a man was beside her.
The same man she had last seen at the beach.
“Are you awake? How’s your body feeling?”
He hadn’t changed at all. Still wearing the same desperate expression, speaking with the same pleading tone, as if he were her lover.
“The doctor said your life isn’t in danger, fortunately. But for a day or two, you shouldn’t overexert yourself. Still, if anything feels uncomfortable, tell me immediately. I’ll call the doctor right away.”
“…….”
Helena swallowed hard, trying to suppress the irritation rising inside her. His gentle voice grated on her—too gentle.
She turned her gaze to the ceiling instead of replying.
The plain, single-toned wallpaper, typical of an inn, offered nothing to see. Yet she kept staring, just like that, for a while.
The clothes she should have been soaked in felt dry. As she slowly lifted her arms, dark green linen rose with them—it wasn’t the outfit she had been wearing.
Even that gentleness annoyed her. She could only let out a bitter laugh.
“……You must feel proud, saving someone foolishly trying to throw away their own life, right?”
Helena finally let out a faint groan and pushed herself upright. Ian reached out to help, but she shoved him away sharply.
Before he could speak, her anger burst forth.
“You must feel proud, thinking you did a good deed. You saved a precious life; your selflessness rescued this ignorant woman, didn’t it?”
“…….”
“Don’t even dare think that way.”
Helena vented her resentment fiercely, but Ian didn’t flinch.
“……Rest. I’ll bring your medicine.”
He simply turned his impassive face away.
Helena violently threw off the covers and placed her feet on the floor.
Having risen so suddenly, her legs were weak. A dizzy spell hit her, but she gritted her teeth and steadied herself.
A few faltering steps later, Ian turned just in time to catch her as she nearly fell.
The recoil pushed him slightly back. He bumped into the nightstand, causing a medicine bottle to fall.
In the silence, the pills spilled from the rolling bottle onto the floor.
Helena grabbed Ian’s collar tightly and began to shout.
“Nothing ever goes the way I want! Who are you to decide to save me? Did you think I’d even thank you for it? I can barely breathe, everything hurts, I’m exhausted. Do I have to force myself to live again because of your ignorant kindness? Am I not even allowed to decide my own life?”
“If you rise suddenly, it will strain your body. Return to bed.”
Ian’s soft reprimand didn’t stop her torrent of words.
“I never asked to be saved! I never wanted to open my eyes because I couldn’t die properly! You should have left me like everyone else. Then I wouldn’t be this miserable. I wouldn’t have to feel such despair realizing the one who saved me is not my family, not my husband, but a complete stranger…!”
Tears welled up, blurring her vision. Helena forced herself to swallow repeatedly.
She was angry. Angry, but she couldn’t cry—it felt too foolish.
Amid the taut tension, Ian comforted her gently, as if cutting through her storm.
“……It’s alright. You can resent me as much as you like.”
Helena was annoyed by his calm, unwavering tone. It felt like he was determined to maintain it.
“But I’m not sorry. I don’t regret it. And I still don’t dislike you.”
She couldn’t understand a word of it.
Helena raised her head again, brushing hair from her eyes, and saw his face clearly.
He truly wasn’t sorry.
He didn’t get angry at the woman scolding him for saving her. He simply reached out, steadying her waist, unshakable and firm.
The calm solidity of him only fueled her anger further. She couldn’t bear such unwavering kindness.
Her fingers gripped Ian’s collar until her knuckles whitened.
“How many times do I have to say it for you to understand? Some people’s lives are hell. You didn’t save anyone—you killed them.”
“I will save them.”
“You killed them. You killed them.”
Helena repeated it compulsively.
“You killed them again, in the most miserable, unbearable way!”
Crack! Boom!
A dry lightning struck like a scream, casting deep shadows. Flames in the oil lamps flickered and went out.
Darkness enveloped everything instantly.
Only her labored breathing punctuated the silence. Her heart felt deafening, as if it had moved to her ear.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Someone was knocking at the door violently.
Amid the relentless solitude, a pulse whispered to her.
“Leave me too. Just go as if nothing happened. Hate the world without regret, and be able to abandon me without hesitation. Go.”
Helena blinked slowly until her eyes adjusted to the darkness. Her small shoulders, rising and falling with each breath, gradually relaxed. Only then did her head clear.
The grip on his coat loosened. She exhaled a desperate plea into her flowing breaths.
‘Please… just go.’
She wished Ian would leave the room. She hoped her furious cries had hurt him, made him think she was ungrateful, irredeemable.
Not because she was tiring him out. Not because she was unbearable.
But from the moment they met, he had never once done what she wanted.
His large hand slid from her elbow along her arms, moving slowly upward. As if soothing her with his warmth, Ian stopped at her wrist with gentle pressure.
“I’m not used to losing people I care about. Even if I experience it dozens or hundreds of times, I won’t get used to it.”
He carefully removed her hand from his sleeve and met her gaze.
Then he rubbed his pale knuckles with his thumb. Still gentle, Helena thought.
“Just as your desire is death, this is my desire. So even if this makes you hate me forever, I will save you over and over. Call it an obsession with fearing loss if you like, but it doesn’t matter.”
Helena felt the faint tremor through the wrist he held.
After a brief pause, Ian continued.
“I want you to live, all the way to the end.”
Even in the darkness, his violet eyes were vivid. Firmly fixed only on her.
Helena turned her head away. She didn’t want to know a man who spoke like that, with eyes like that, with such words. She wished she never had to.
But why…
‘Does it feel this painfully longing?’
She recoiled from him as if fleeing. Just one step created a bit of space.
Once she confirmed she could stand fully, Ian released her wrist.
Freed, Helena instinctively clasped her hands together. The warmth of his large palm seemed to linger.
She tried to stay composed as she spoke.
“……Fine. I guess I’m unlucky to have ended up with someone as interfering as you. But I’m not someone important to you. Or is your ‘importance’ so trivial that it could be felt even at first meeting?”
“…….”
Ian remained silent for a while.
Still, Helena felt his gaze piercing her. She couldn’t look up.
The silence stretched, and since she never intended to wait, she moved past him toward the door.
But as soon as she turned the handle and slightly opened the door, the heavy wooden panel slammed shut again.
She sensed a powerful presence behind her. A veined hand pressed against the door.
“I told you, don’t overdo it.”
He finally sounded a little angry.
So was she. Helena immediately turned to face him.
“Just because my anger has lessened doesn’t mean I want to be with you. You said you don’t dislike me, but I still do.”
“It’s just that following the doctor’s advice can’t hurt.”
“And what right do you have?”
“If you insist on asking, I’d say I’m your temporary guardian.”
“You must enjoy taking on unnecessary trouble.”
“……You did it too.”
Again, and again.
Helena groaned inwardly.
For the briefest instant, he would make expressions she couldn’t quite catch, revealing emotions he couldn’t suppress.
Words alone couldn’t explain it. Avoidance seemed like the only solution.
‘Or I could just confront it head-on.’
She swallowed dryly.
