Chapter 41
She looked timid. Watching her shrink back as if frightened by his mood, Luiyan narrowed his brows. At least, the girl she had once been wasn’t like this… He had made her this way. He ridiculed himself for being pathetic, yet did nothing. It was always she who started conversations—and kept them going. All he had to do was pick a convenient moment to end them.
As he always had.
Overwhelmed by an intolerable disgust, he rose to his feet. Ignoring the golden eyes fixed on him, he headed toward the door—only to feel his sleeve tugged. Luiyan froze. Something inside his chest dropped with a thud. …Did it fall? Had it… really fallen? The sound had been loud enough to make him look down. For a moment, the noise had been deafening.
“I love you.”
…What could she possibly mean by confessing love to him like this? The suddenness of it left him unable to respond. He couldn’t answer her declaration of love. No matter what the words themselves meant, everything felt unbearable when it came from Isilia. Staring at the reflection of his face in her golden eyes, Luiyan kept his mouth shut. Her eyelashes trembled finely, afraid of being hurt. He swallowed the bitter laugh rising in his throat. Had he really not known this? The eyes once full of hope now shook with fear. What should he do? He was the one who made her this way. And now he was about to—
“Did you… ever love me?”
His expression cracked at the sudden question. Love—yes, he had loved her. Even when he pushed her away endlessly, she clung to him, refusing to give up. It was annoying. It had irritated him. But at some point, he found it endearing, even lovable. Foolishly so, to the point he allowed his heart to yield. He thought she must have gotten used to this version of him—that it would be fine. As if his rejection would ever be fine for her… but still, he thought so.
If this could be called love, then perhaps it was. Seeing her flinch as his brows drew together, Luiyan remembered Jordan’s words. Calling him stupid wasn’t nearly enough. Watching the woman waiting for his answer, he opened his mouth.
“Yes.”
“……”
“I did love you.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. Luiyan reached out, gently prying her hand from his sleeve. Even that light touch brought a blush to her face. Seeing her avert her gaze shyly, he let out a faint, helpless laugh. Ah—he understood. Looking into the eyes that desired nothing but pure affection, he now knew where all his foolish actions had come from.
*Are you curious about my intention in saying this?*
Arwin’s calm voice grated against his ears. No—something heavy inside him was pressing down hard enough to muffle all sound. The thudding inside his chest echoed loudly through his head, striking him over and over. The heartbeat he neither liked nor disliked now pounded as if scolding him. Leaving Isilia behind, Luiyan stepped out of the room with a faint smile.
*The intention is simple. It’s already too late.*
He knew. Even without the reminder, he had sensed it was too late to turn back.
*If, as Your Highness said, you cannot bring yourself to abandon Isilia in the end, then—*
He hadn’t expected the words he dismissed as the ramblings of a brother who had lost his sister to come back like this. Raising a hand to cover his face, Luiyan listened as Arwin’s voice cut sharply into him.
*From the moment you realize what you’ve done, you will suffer greatly.*
I said this to help you, the man had said with a twisted grin. Punishing me won’t help—His Majesty granted me immunity where you’re concerned. Arwin’s eerie, muttering laughter echoed in his memory. In the end, Luiyan couldn’t hold back a burst of laughter. A passing servant startled and bowed deeply. It wasn’t that he hadn’t known. He had known vaguely. He just pushed forward anyway, even knowing his actions would wound her.
*That girl was satisfied simply by being beside you.*
He had been certain she would never leave him. That complacency was how he kept hurting Isilia again and again.
—
Unusually peaceful days passed. …Was the Crown Prince being considerate? No, perhaps it wasn’t consideration. A sense of absolute security regarding Isilia, a strange superiority after fully conquering the woman—he had wallowed in such petty things while treating her carelessly. He didn’t want to face her and be reminded of his past wrongs.
But now, he had no choice but to face her.
Wiping his face with both hands, he felt someone watching him. Luiyan smiled at El. It had been a long time since the whole family was together. Seated, he watched the children chatter and laugh. Beside the giggling Johan, El smiled silently.
Across from him sat Isilia. He was so used to silence now that it was rare for him to speak first. His lips parted, but no voice came out. Conversations were rare, and when they happened, they were mostly about El or Johan. He heard a faint sigh. At that sound, Luiyan turned his head.
“Isilia.”
“…Yes?”
Those golden eyes looking at him came to mind. She was someone who rejoiced at even the smallest gesture. She whispered love to a man who returned only a fraction of the affection she gave. She had looked only at him for so long. …How could she do that? How could someone continue loving like that, without ever being loved back?
“Luiyan?”
It was laughable, now that he thought about it. And what about him? How had he treated someone like her? He had averted his gaze from the eyes that sought nothing but pure affection. He had known she had been watching him all that time. Didn’t know? Didn’t understand why she acted that way? Those were just excuses. The truth was—he hadn’t wanted to know. He had pretended not to see. It was too overwhelming to reciprocate, yet too regretful to let go. And thinking that those golden eyes, shining only for him, might someday turn toward someone else…
“Are you… happy now?”
“…What?”
Ignoring her bewildered look, Luiyan didn’t answer. The question had slipped out, but he was curious. He had grown comfortable, with no need to go looking for complications. Someone who rejoiced at even his smallest acts had always been beside him. He lived as he pleased, receiving everything given without effort.
“Do I look happy?”
As time passed, his heart no longer fluttered. He grew numb to her actions. Isilia’s gaze had changed. As the atmosphere sank coldly, Luiyan lowered his eyes. Of course she wasn’t happy. So why ask? Was he hoping for a different answer? The thought disgusted even himself.
“I’m not happy.”
He knew Isilia was being hurt by his actions. Yet he never reached out. Because he was certain she would never leave him no matter what. There was no way she was happy. He knew. He didn’t even deserve to be hurt. He knew that too—yet…
“But,”
A corner of his heart ached.
“I still want to stay by your side.”
She didn’t avert her gaze. His own face, sullen even in her eyes, reflected back at him—while her cheeks were flushed. Even after all the unreturned affection, she still stood there looking at him. His wildly beating heart slowly settled. So this was relief. A bitter smile tugged at his lips.
“Some may think that a love so one-sided isn’t love at all, but obsession,”
He had thought so in the beginning. He had mocked it as childish love. He had wondered how much she would stir things up—and when things finally quieted, he thought it would be peaceful, but instead he felt irritated. A mere young girl had shaken his once-tranquil life. It had infuriated him. Even though it was his own heart, he couldn’t define a single feeling precisely.
“I’m sorry.”
If he told her to stop, she said she would. If he told her it was over, she said she would accept it. What was he supposed to say to a woman who had grown tired of waiting and was beginning to gather up her heart? The best thing he could do now was nod.
“The day is getting dark.”
But Luiyan did not nod. Even as he recoiled at his own pathetic selfishness, nothing changed. Suddenly he realized that—and his head ached. When he turned away, Isilia grabbed him again. In a firm voice, she told him once more that she wanted to end things. Luiyan closed his eyes. Pretending not to hear her call, he didn’t stop walking.
*Did you love me?*
He had loved her. Then what about now? After hurting her, after failing to return her affection, he still wished to remain together. He clung to someone begging him to let go. Was that love? He wasn’t sure. Too much had twisted out of shape. He couldn’t tell right from wrong anymore. Nothing would change now anyway.
“Let’s divorce.”
Her voice, cracking with pain, was heartbreaking. The Isilia who once smiled so brightly as a child came to mind. …His breathing grew shallow. Under a different kind of pressure than before, Luiyan bent at the waist. Her trembling lips spoke the final words. Though he did not answer, Isilia would sort things out herself. The flower that had dried while clinging desperately to him had finally decided to let him go. Despite sitting in a garden as beautiful as a painting, Luiyan felt as if he stood alone on barren land. Now the one beginning to wither… was himself.
