Chapter 39
I had forgotten. Hearing Arwin’s words brought back the conversation from that day. Lost in thought, Ruiyan nodded with a calm expression. Perhaps he hadn’t expected a reaction; Arwin, looking momentarily startled, withdrew his gaze.
“I knew that child was looking at you however she pleased. Now… though it’s too late to bring it up. But as time passed, I began to see other things. Things I had failed to notice because all my attention was on the child.”
“…What are you trying to say?”
Arwin’s sitting room had only plain furniture except for the occasional stack of documents. Ruiyan withdrew his wandering gaze and looked at him. The sharp green eyes narrowed slightly.
“Do you love that child?”
“……”
“Come to think of it, I’ve never asked, nor have I ever heard an answer. I don’t know how Your Excellency views her.”
Unable to answer, Ruiyan remained silent. When he was young, Isilia had been a bothersome presence to him, sometimes a bold child who made it impossible for him to look away. He did not know what love was, so he could not confirm that what he felt was love. She had simply been like a chirping chick—one whose presence made him happy. His eyes followed her, and when the sunlight hit her characteristic golden hair, his chest tightened.
“It wasn’t simply because the marriage was too rushed that we opposed Lia. Father and I were only curious about what part of the child had captivated you enough to hasten the ceremony. We couldn’t understand why a man who had never shown any sign would choose to keep Isilia by his side.”
“……”
“I know why you came to see me. His Highness never tells things properly. The one who would actually be of help to you may not be me, but his aide.”
Ruiyan furrowed his brows. Arwin’s words had brought up a person he did not ever want to recall. With a displeased expression, he looked at Arwin, whose green eyes narrowed as he stared back.
The reason he had rushed the ceremony—
That was—
*My lady!*
There had been a boy who appeared by Isilia’s side often at some point. Jordan had laughed, saying the boy following the golden-eyed girl with such a lively voice looked like a chick. …A chick? With that ashy hair like burnt remains, and those unpleasantly red eyes? How was he anything like something so small and delicate? At the time, Ruiyan had despised the boy. It was unlike him—he usually didn’t care much for others’ emotions.
*They say no young noble approaches her because of her unusual behavior… and her reputation is in shambles.*
Perhaps Ruiyan had felt relieved by the crown prince’s words. …Relieved? Why? Ruiyan’s face twisted. His wavering blue eyes fixed on the green-eyed man before him, and Arwin sighed.
“It’s exhausting to think someone needs a push to realize it.”
“…What?”
His softly muttered words were too quiet to hear. Jordan had said that once Ruiyan spoke with the crown prince and Arwin, he would understand. …His head ached. Understand what? Jordan and Arwin were both too busy delivering only what they wanted to say.
“Do you know?”
To the sudden question without a subject, Ruiyan narrowed his brows. Arwin, apparently not expecting an answer, continued.
“When she was young, Isilia saw only you. As a sister and daughter we would cherish beyond words, the Agnes family decided to respect her wishes. That feeling remains unchanged.”
“……”
“But now that she is by your side… I cannot tell if she is truly happy. What do you think, Your Excellency? Does she look happy—being beside the one she has longed for so desperately?”
“……”
“Father and I did not see her as happy. Rather, the child… Father, upon seeing how Lia had changed, realized he had overlooked something. His complacent belief that things would work out someday had only helped ruin her. We hurt her. And we will not watch her crumble any further.”
…So this was what the crown prince meant. His words telling Ruiyan not to look away echoed in his ears. The Count of Agnes seemed to have made up his mind. In his own way, he treasured Isilia deeply. When he had been summoned to the palace under the Emperor’s command and had appeared calm, he had merely been holding back his anger. Their green eyes met, conveying that they would no longer stand by.
“I simply assumed Isilia would follow my father’s and my wishes. But she didn’t want that. I cannot understand that child—who, despite being hurt by the one she wanted so dearly, still chooses to remain by his side. I cannot understand the love she speaks of.”
“……”
“…Do you understand it?”
The deep green eyes trembled with confusion.
“That foolish child—why is she still looking only at you?”
—
After going around meeting several people since morning, Ruiyan finally returned to the Foreign Ministry in the afternoon. A considerable stack of documents awaited him in the office, and as always, he began to work through them. But…
Ruiyan sighed. He couldn’t focus; the words refused to register, slowing his progress. Documents submitted on the same day had to be handled promptly or problems would arise. He couldn’t put them off, so he worked through the night to finish everything.
He lowered the document he had been holding and rose from his seat, looking out the window. With everything outside bathed in blue, it must have been dawn. Having grown used to returning home early recently, the fatigue of pulling an all-nighter felt heavy. Though he had just completed the previous day’s work, the day’s new documents would arrive soon. He sighed.
“……”
After taking a short break, Ruiyan tried to read the newly arriving documents, frowning. Had he developed dyslexia overnight? He couldn’t count how many times he reread the same page. At this rate, the pile would grow in an instant. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to continue. The usual format of the text felt irritating. His head felt light and foggy, as if floating.
…Perhaps he should get some fresh air. Through the office window, he could see a small garden. A garden the Emperor had provided for their use, just a short walk from the Foreign Ministry. Ruiyan stood immediately. People he passed in the hall tried speaking to him, but his curt replies made them retreat with exasperated faces. Once outside, the breeze brushed his cheek. With a faint smile tugging at his lips, Ruiyan stepped forward.
*At first, I thought she stayed because of the children.*
Arwin hadn’t seemed to expect an answer. A faint, humorless smile had accompanied the following words—a dry, hollow sound slicing through the air.
*Next, I thought she held hope that someday Your Excellency would finally turn to look at her.*
But that wasn’t it either. Arwin’s deep green eyes closed briefly as if confused, then opened again toward him. The sharpness had vanished, but the resentment within them remained clear.
*The child simply—*
“…Ruiyan?”
A voice cut through his thoughts. A woman with red hair and amber eyes was looking at him. Marillian. Hearing him mutter, she smiled.
“What brings you here?”
“I saw you while passing by. I came in without thinking.”
We have so little time to meet, so this is fortunate, she said with a bright smile. Ruiyan lowered his gaze. Her lips were torn and cracked, small beads of blood forming. Why hadn’t the scabs healed yet… Realizing where he was looking, Marillian laughed.
“Your lips… why—”
“Oh… this?”
Her voice sounded bright, unlike her swollen eyes from many late nights. She opened her mouth as though searching for words, then smiled softly. Meeting her narrowed amber eyes, Ruiyan frowned.
“Why… are you smiling like that?”
“Are you curious?”
“…What?”
At her teasing tone, Ruiyan blinked. …Strange. Something felt familiar. This wasn’t how she normally smiled—so lightly. In fact, this expression resembled Jordan’s.
“It’s a relief you’re at least curious.”
She murmured something he couldn’t understand and met his eyes. Seeing the smile curving like a crescent, his lips closed before he could ask why. His own face reflected in her amber eyes looked ridiculous. His blank expression had cracked, revealing his surprise. What a foolish face… He raised a cold hand to his face, and the chill against his swollen eyes cleared his mind a little.
“At first, it was because of my selfishness.”
“……”
“You resembled him, and in the sudden loneliness, I needed something to lean on. But you never became him. And that was fine.”
Hearing her calm voice, Ruiyan looked at her. Meeting his gaze, Marillian smiled.
“My intentions may have been impure, but the feelings were still real.”
“……”
