IALFMFL CH 14

“Forget it. You can admire that unrealistic beauty to your heart’s content, Kate. I’ll have to head back soon anyway.”

Nezar reached out and gently patted my head before getting to his feet with a weary groan.

But even after straightening his knees, he didn’t lower his head. His gaze remained fixed on the ceiling. I heard him swallow dryly several times.

“Nezar.”

“What?”

Usually, whenever I called his name, he would meet my eyes. But now, as though he were deeply lost in thought, he was staring vaguely at some indistinct point in the air.

A thick sense of unease suddenly coiled through my mind.

“You haven’t looked well for a while. Is something wrong?”

Nezar rolled his shoulders once, then, after a brief pause, reached out and stroked my head again. He still wasn’t smiling.

“Not at all. Let’s go inside now. I’ll take you to your room.”

Liar.

He still thought I was an eight-year-old little girl.

“…It’s okay. Lady Charon is waiting for me in the study.”

Even though I refused, he took my hand and stubbornly walked with me all the way to the study. Not a single word passed between us along the way. Nezar was quiet, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak because I was too busy watching his mood.

And bad premonitions always had a way of coming true.

From that day onward, I didn’t see Nezar for more than ten days.

The sound of wheels came to a stop.

Pansion was the first to notice the change through his sense of touch. Realizing that the rhythmic rocking and the world around him had fallen into silence, he slowly lifted his eyelids.

Outside the dark carriage window, illuminated only by moonlight, the cries of insects filled the night.

After quietly focusing on the darkness ahead to steady his breathing and clear his mind, he eventually stepped out through the carriage door, which had been left wide open.

Countless signs of life greeted him at Enterra Castle, which he had returned to after half a day.

Pansion opened all his senses, taking in everything—the eyes of the servants who bent down beside him, the temperature of their breaths, even the distance of their footsteps as they retreated.

Everything that made up Enterra was as it always had been.

At least, that was how it appeared to Pansion.

“Shall I prepare a bath?”

“No. Have Geheren stand by. I’m going to Charon’s room.”

The servant bowed deeply and withdrew.

Pansion slowly loosened the tie that had been constricting his throat and climbed the stairs. The mansion was silent late at night, save for the flickering lamps.

Unlike usual, he turned toward the left corner and approached the servant waiting for him.

The young boy, who looked barely fifteen, stood with his gaze lowered while leaving the innermost door open.

The room assigned to Charon.

The bright light of the yellow full moon poured over the spacious balcony like a waterfall.

Having completely loosened his tie, Pansion leaned against the doorframe and took in the peaceful scene.

The room was not particularly large, but it was filled with old, worn furniture, as though it had been transported from more than twenty years in the past.

These were not antique furnishings whose age had been carefully preserved and maintained.

They were simply old pieces of furniture.

“Who chose this room?”

“Mrs. Malen.”

“Did Mother say nothing about it?”

“She has already entrusted Mrs. Malen with everything concerning the young lady.”

“And her personal maid?”

“Cecily Anolta. She is a twenty-two-year-old woman who was hired three years ago on Mrs. Malen’s recommendation.”

Pansion turned around.

A moment later, he heard the door close behind him, and he walked across the moonlight that had fallen over the carpet before turning around the opposite corner.

Standing outside his room was an elderly man with completely white hair and a perfectly straight posture.

Geheren, the chief butler of Enterra Castle.

Pansion gave the old man a brief glance before entering his room. Geheren followed him inside and lit the lamps.

With the flames flickering to life, the chill that had settled inside the room gradually receded.

“Where is Malen?”

Geheren answered immediately from beside the closed door.

“Two maids are scheduled to retire this week, so she is currently looking for replacements.”

“And?”

This time, there was no immediate answer.

The old man blinked with an unreadable expression before speaking in a slightly more rigid tone than before.

“If I may be presumptuous enough to say so, Young Master, I believe things are exactly as you have anticipated, without the slightest difference.”

Pansion tossed the tie in his hand onto a chair.

He showed no reaction to Geheren’s words. He simply remained silent and began undoing the cuffs of his shirt.

Normally, these were things the servants would have helped him with. But ever since Turner Enterra had left the castle, Pansion had made certain that no one touched him.

As though every person within the castle had become his enemy.

In the room where the only sound was their breathing, the only things moving were his long fingers and the trembling buttons of his shirt.

“It was Young Master Turner’s order.”

Only then did Pansion’s eyes briefly turn toward Geheren.

There wasn’t even a trace of emotion in them. They reflected nothing but the flickering lamplight.

“Why didn’t you report it to me?”

“That, too, was Young Master Turner’s order.”

“And yet you’re speaking quite freely now.”

Pansion rose and approached the display cabinet, taking a bottle of red wine from the top shelf.

The black-red wine swaying in the light looked like a great wave rising beneath the flames.

“Our dear elder brother left the mansion in an absolute mess. Wouldn’t you agree, Geheren?”

Geheren did not answer.

He merely lowered his head briefly in apology.

“How is my brother’s condition? Has it improved?”

“According to the physician, he has less than half a year remaining.”

“Half a year…”

To Pansion, it was neither a long nor a short amount of time.

He gently swirled the glass in his hand before slowly swallowing the wine.

His expression showed no particular satisfaction.

Only after setting the glass down did Pansion speak again.

“The Imperial Family will declare the Northern Expedition within a week. Even with a generous estimate, the departure date will be no later than two weeks from now. My departure and that of Crown Prince Nezar have already been decided.”

Geheren swallowed a heavy sigh.

The Northern Expedition would be a monumental undertaking that would take at least five years, even with the full military strength of the Empire.

In five years, the position of Enterra’s heir would already be empty.

“First, move Charon’s room next to mine. I can’t continue pretending not to notice Malen’s presumptuous behavior.”

“Please reconsider your departure, even just once. If you leave, Young Master, there will be no heir to carry on the Enterra family.”

“Heir? If Charon is an heir to Enterra, then isn’t she an heir as well? By the customs of eastern Imperial territories, her legitimacy may be somewhat weaker… If that concerns you, persuade Mother as soon as possible.”

The wineglass slipped from Pansion’s hand and fell into the wastebasket.

“My brother’s death is imminent. And when you think it’s too late, that is often when it’s actually the earliest possible moment to act.”

He paused.

“Our admirable mother needs to realize her second son’s schemes even one day sooner.”

“Why go that far?”

For a moment, the unexpected question brought my thoughts to a complete halt.

I slowly rolled my eyes around the study.

Could there possibly be someone here other than Rick and me?

But no matter how carefully I looked around, the room was filled only with the sound of pages turning.

There were just the two of us.

I tapped my fingernail lightly against the desk before belatedly raising my head.

“Were you talking to me just now?”

“Who else could I possibly be talking to?”

Slurp.

The sound of tea being swallowed traveled clearly across the room to where I was sitting.

Rick briefly raised his gaze and met my eyes before lowering his head again.

A book nearly a handspan thick flipped open and closed beneath his chin. The densely packed letters, as fine as grains of sand, made my head spin just looking at them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you making fun of me for reading a book right now?”

If this had been in the past, it was something I wouldn’t have even allowed into the same room as me, let alone looked at.

But the most essential virtue of a lady was the acquisition of literature.

For a full twenty minutes, I had been reading a lengthy poem overflowing with metaphors I couldn’t understand.

Enjoying art was proving to be an incredibly difficult and arduous ordeal.

“I’m no longer surprised when you suddenly start doing things you never used to do. What I mean is, do you really have to break off the engagement?”

I quietly closed my mouth at the unexpected question.

Rick was the only person who knew that I was planning to break off my engagement.

I calmly organized my thoughts before answering.

“You know as well as I do, don’t you? Nezar and I might be able to remain siblings in name, but it would be difficult for us to become lovers.”

“Talk some sense, Kate. You were chasing after him like you were going to die if you couldn’t have him, and now you’re saying that because it’s difficult, you’re going to pretend none of it ever happened? There’s a limit to acting like a child.”

“You seem to have forgotten something. I am a child.”

More precisely, an adult who acted like a child.

Sometimes, my previous life felt like an illusion from a long dream.

I was, in reality, an ordinary fifteen-year-old girl in both mind and body, and perhaps I had simply entered adolescence after having such a long, strange dream.

It was a far more logical and credible assumption than believing that the world I had actually lived in had somehow been overturned.

The only reason I was certain my memories of my previous life were real was because the memories of the past, which should have been as hazy as fog, remained far too vivid.

I didn’t deny the seventeen years I had lived before.

But that didn’t mean the memories of my previous life had the right to control who I was now.

Katrina Ezelot was simply a fifteen-year-old girl who had only just begun to grow up.

“To be honest, I never thought Nezar would indulge my childish demands. I mean, the engagement vow. Of course, I did cling to him like a leech, but still…”

It was rather funny.

In front of Nezar, I was Katrina Ezelot, who had become accustomed to behaving like a child.

Yet the person actually judging him was the me from my previous life.

When I failed to continue and let my words trail off, Rick spoke in a calm voice.

“Kate, a large part of the stability you have now is thanks to His Highness. He probably sees it that way as well.”

“Are you telling me I should repay his kindness by throwing myself at him? That would only annoy Nezar even more.”

My feelings toward Nezar ran deeper than familial affection and burned hotter than romantic love, but that didn’t mean they came with any sexual desire.

For instance, I couldn’t even imagine the two of us kissing, much less wanted to imagine it.

It simply felt strange and bizarre.

Hmm. Maybe it was just because I was still young.

“The reason Nezar can’t push me away is purely because of pity and a sense of duty. It’s like giving the most expensive chocolate to a poor little kid out of pity.”

If that pity and sense of duty gradually faded with time, becoming weaker and more blurred…

I wouldn’t be able to endure the emptiness left behind by that sense of security.

That was why I had to step back even further.

Being bound together by an engagement could only lead to tremendous harm for both of us.

Especially for Nezar, who was the Crown Prince, rather than someone like me, the youngest daughter of a count’s family.

Ah, damn it!

If only I could have remained a foolish little fifteen-year-old forever, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this!

“That sounds more like prejudice to me. How much do you really know about what His Highness is thinking?”

“What is there not to know? Try imagining yourself in my position. Even if you can’t see everything, there are things you can feel clearly enough.”

Rick now leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed, staring at me.

His expression was complicated, difficult to describe in just a few simple words.

“You’ve always had too many unnecessary thoughts, ever since you were little. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I just want to tell you that when there are too many paths, you can sometimes end up wandering down the wrong one.”

I pouted unhappily.

Rick wasn’t exactly wrong.

“Can’t you see that I’ve already wandered down one? This is all partly your fault, you know. If you neglect a child for long enough, nine times out of ten they’ll end up wandering down some strange path. Just like me.”

A black-and-white memory from my childhood, not all that long ago, slowly surfaced from somewhere deep inside my chest.

When I looked back on my childhood, all I could remember were silent, still moments from beginning to end.

A vast meadow where horses ran freely, and me sitting there alone.

Back then, I had always been alone.

“That’s why we’re taking care of you like this now, aren’t we?”

Rick’s words drew a breathy laugh from me.

Affectionate attention had always been good nourishment, yet I couldn’t help the old feelings of hurt that suddenly welled up inside me.

“What good does any of that do now? The past has already flowed away.”