Chapter 24
Again, Marriage (4)
The lights in the bridal chamber went out early.
After extinguishing every lamp, Peon thought of the Emperor’s spies who were surely watching from beyond the curtains and windows. Though, would they only be outside the window? There were probably some standing beyond the door as well.
He looked toward Kaella, who had completely disappeared beneath the blanket.
More precisely, it was just a mound of blankets now, but even allowing his gaze to linger there felt sinful, so he quickly looked away again. She was seven years younger than him—a little sister he had held hands with since she toddled around as a child. A little sister should remain only a little sister. Get a grip.
But then why had Kaella crawled straight into bed as if his presence meant nothing? She had immediately changed her speech after getting married again, yet showed no awareness at all that they were alone together inside a bedroom.
Was she still that innocent?
Had she always been? He couldn’t remember. He had intentionally waited as long as possible before entering, thinking she would already be asleep by then. His mistake had been forgetting that ladies’ preparations always took far longer than expected. When he saw Kaella collapsed face-down on the bed, his heart nearly dropped.
And she had still been awake.
She said she was tired. Of course she was. Her voice was exhausted, and beneath the neatly buttoned white nightdress, her ankles and feet were terribly swollen. It hurt to look at.
Still, though he knew she was suffering, the sight of the young lady sprawled carelessly across the bed felt strangely unusual. Was she not afraid of him? Surely she had received education regarding the wedding night.
No. That wasn’t it.
Peon shook his head.
After the commotion Beatrice caused, perhaps Kaella had completely abandoned all thoughts regarding marital relations altogether. In their previous marriage, there had never been any physical relationship between them. More precisely, Peon had left her untouched in order to preserve his so-called “honor and chastity,” and Kaella had been mocked for it as well—humiliated and called “a lifeless stone that couldn’t even be considered a woman.”
That kind of talk must never happen again.
Absolutely never.
It would be better for rumors to spread that he was incapable instead. Besides, if they divorced later, that would become a legitimate reason for Kaella to leave him.
If anyone was going to be criticized in this marriage, it had to be Peon.
He would never repeat the same mistake again.
Turning his back to Kaella, he sat down on the floor beside the bed rather than on it. The presence behind him felt heartbreakingly fragile—and frighteningly delicate at the same time.
He had once shattered her completely.
Protecting someone he had already broken once, without leaving even a scratch this time… yes, that was terrifying.
For a man who only knew how to destroy, and whose future still consisted solely of war, Kaella was an impossibly difficult existence.
So in the darkness, he sat there replaying his sins over and over.
For a very long time.
Until Kaella, who had been lying there as still as a corpse, finally rustled beneath the blankets.
My legs hurt.
The soles of her feet burned, and now her calves were throbbing too. Even the muscles in her thighs screamed in protest. Everything ached terribly.
And on top of that, she had remained frozen in the same sideways position for ages because she was conscious of Peon’s presence, making her entire body numb.
Should I pretend I’m turning over in my sleep? Pretend it’s just a sleeping habit? What do I do?
Ah. How had her life reached the point where she worried about things like this?
She had become too conscious of the fact that the man below the bed had not moved a single inch.
Then suddenly, the legs she had crossed slipped downward.
The thinner spring blanket rustled softly.
Kaella unconsciously held her breath.
She thought she heard something.
Light footsteps approached, then stopped beside her where she desperately pretended to sleep. Something heavy was quietly set down on the floor. Then he sat close beside her.
“Kaella.”
At the low voice, tension climbed from her waist upward, but she didn’t move.
“I know you’re not sleeping. Open your eyes.”
The fact that he said couldn’t sleep instead of weren’t sleeping made her reluctantly open her eyes.
A calm, courteous gaze met hers—as quiet as his voice.
He had dragged over a chair and was sitting beside the bed.
“Listen carefully.”
What was he trying to do?
Kaella pushed herself upright.
“If you don’t deal with it now, you won’t sleep well tonight either. Tomorrow it’ll hurt again. The day after tomorrow it’ll hurt even more because the pain will pile up. And we still have to travel all the way to Lusenford. Your legs will swell again.”
His hands had originally been long and elegant by nature, but years of wielding a sword had made them broad and rough.
Those hands rested quietly atop the blanket.
Underneath that blanket were the aching legs she had been silently enduring.
Kaella lowered her head deeply.
“I was shortsighted. I’m sorry.”
So if the Grand Duchess fell ill on the journey to Lusenford, the procession would be delayed.
Hurriedly, Kaella threw off the blanket and began rubbing her own legs.
Pressing clumsily over her nightdress, the delicate hands of a noble lady inexperienced in massage awkwardly kneaded her calves.
An old habit resurfaced instinctively.
Watching people’s moods.
Trying desperately to match herself to what they wanted.
Trying to become someone helpful instead of burdensome.
A pathetic one-sided love that only wanted to be acknowledged once.
And because of that, she felt deeply ashamed and sorry whenever she caused trouble.
No matter how many times she vowed to stop, those harmful emotions always made her forget.
I promised myself I wouldn’t care anymore.
Then why had she apologized? Why was she embarrassed?
It could happen! He belonged to someone else anyway. Why should it matter if he thought she was pathetic?
Scolding herself inwardly, she continued rubbing her aching legs.
“That’s not what I meant.”
Clearly troubled, Peon rubbed at his mouth and stopped her clumsy hands.
Even while stopping her, he didn’t dare touch her directly.
Everything felt cautious in a bridal chamber where they were alone together.
Keeping only the slightest distance between them, he met her eyes and spoke softly.
“The schedule ahead will be exhausting, so I wanted to help. I was asking for your permission. Let me do it.”
She had no immunity against such gentle words.
Kaella shook her head.
“I-I can do it myself.”
Even when something was offered to her, she couldn’t accept it.
Or rather, she was desperately trying to keep herself from accepting it now.
Her hands unconsciously tightened around her own calves until her knuckles turned white.
“Kaella.”
Unlike her, who was trying so hard to act properly as the Grand Duchess, he continued treating her casually. Even his way of speaking no longer adjusted itself to match hers.
“If you keep doing that, only your hands will hurt more.”
Apparently he alone could afford to stay relaxed.
Well, of course. Kaella was the only one nervously watching every mood in fear.
“I’ll do it without making you uncomfortable.”
He carefully sought her permission.
“If it bothers you, kick me away.”
As if Kaella could ever kick Peon.
Wearing a troubled expression, she slowly lowered her aching hands.
“Relax.”
Unable to refuse, she nodded and avoided his gaze.
His large hands straightened the blanket carefully, covering her up to the knees as though declaring that he would touch no higher.
Then he began pressing firmly against her thighs near the knees.
The tightly knotted muscles immediately creaked in protest, and a groan escaped her automatically. Kaella grabbed the blanket tightly.
It hurt so much.
“Does it hurt? Sorry. I’ll be gentler.”
He had thought he was already being gentle, but seeing the tiny young lady nearly gasp in pain startled him enough to loosen his grip further.
“No, it’s fine… really.”
Everything was fine.
This absurd situation where he was massaging her legs.
The fact that she had ended up marrying and dying again.
None of it mattered.
Pouring her heart into things had never changed anything.
So it was fine.
She didn’t want to assign meaning to his consideration and kindness.
“Even so.”
While massaging his new bride’s legs on their wedding night, Peon spoke with calm composure.
“It still hurts, doesn’t it, Bi?”
There was a faint teasing smile in his voice.
But the large hands—warmer than ordinary body temperature—touched her legs without any ulterior motive at all.
Right.
He truly had only wanted to help.
Relieved by remembering her resolution not to assign meaning to anything involving Peon, Kaella let herself focus solely on the pain overwhelming her.
Her muscles had stiffened terribly from remaining tense all day. Everywhere he pressed screamed in agony.
Frowning deeply, Kaella clenched the blanket hard enough to tear it.
“Take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. It’ll help.”
It did help a little.
Then again, sometimes the pain became so intense she forgot to breathe entirely and bit down hard on her lower lip.
Sweat gathered at her temples, and the leg stretched before him occasionally jerked violently in his grasp.
Each time it happened, Peon gently wrapped a hand around her narrow ankle and soothed her.
“Breathe, Kaella.”
His voice was almost a whisper.
His firm thumb pressed deeply into her shin.
At the same time as the blinding pain came a cooling relief where his fingers passed, and Kaella finally surrendered everything to him.
“Even if it hurts, endure just a little more. It’s better to deal with all the pain now.”
His violet eyes seemed almost sympathetic.
No. That had to be her imagination.
It must be.
His hands calmly—mercilessly—worked all the way down to her feet.
It hurt so badly she wanted him to stop, but Peon sighed as he pressed firmly into the tiny foot that fit entirely inside one of his hands.
“You walked around that long on these feet. Of course they hurt.”
“I didn’t walk that lo—ahh…!”
Her sentence dissolved into a cry.
Was this supposed to hurt this much?
Some people spoke of consummating love on the first night. Others said they awakened to pleasure.
Kaella had spent her first wedding night alone.
And on her second, she discovered a strange pain unlike anything she had ever experienced before.
Yet because she felt lighter afterward, there was oddly a trace of pleasure mixed into it.
“Stop tearing at the blanket and hold onto me instead.”
Seeing the bones in her fingers nearly twisting from how tightly she clenched them, Peon gently took her hand and placed it on his shoulder.
“You’ll… it’ll hu—”
Trying to force honorifics through her dazed state, Kaella failed to finish speaking before another groan escaped her.
Peon laughed softly.
“If you want to hurt me, you’ll need much stronger grip strength than this.”
Why did people have two legs?
One would have been enough.
Having another only made this harder—and more embarrassing.
Unable to refuse anymore, Kaella clung tightly to his shoulder while enduring the pain.
As he worked on the other leg too, her body leaned closer against him, her weight gradually settling onto him.
But Peon never once showed discomfort.
In truth, his body felt like solid stone. No matter how much she leaned against him, it probably affected him not at all.
“And Kaella. Call me however you want, and speak however you want too. Don’t feel pressured.”
Was it even possible not to feel pressured around him?
Kaella thought it impossible.
How could she not feel intimidated by a man who had once been a gentle older brother, only to coldly cut everything off and turn away forever?
Peon was unpredictable.
Impossible to understand.
Yet endlessly noble and beautiful in a way that made admiration unavoidable.
“When we’re alone, you don’t have to worry about etiquette.”
And the man who had died and returned from the past now poured impossible tenderness into her ears.
Even after marrying her, he was kind enough to massage her swollen legs.
Was this perhaps a gift granted to someone exhausted by endless false hope?
Peon was soft and warm enough to make her want to believe that.
But Kaella, filled with caution, was terrified because she couldn’t understand why he was acting this way.
“I’ll simply adjust myself to you.”
No answer came.
Only her uneven breathing, soft hair brushing his jaw and neck, and her fragile body leaning against him more heavily.
Peon soothed the struggling Kaella gently.
“Endure just a little more. You’ll sleep much more comfortably afterward.”
The moment he applied more pressure, a scream burst from her lips.
Her frail hands shoved weakly against him.
“Stop… stop…!”
She truly wanted him to stop now.
But the pain in the leg he held only intensified.
Gasping for breath, Kaella looked up at him pleadingly.
“Please.”
Her whisper sounded pitiful through ragged breathing.
“Please… stop…”
Peon stared quietly at her tearful face for a moment.
Then he squeezed his eyes shut briefly and turned away.
Get a grip.
The spies listening outside would surely misunderstand these suggestive sounds coming from the bridal chamber and report them appropriately to the Emperor. That alone was enough. He must not allow personal desire beyond that.
He could not react to those watery eyes.
“No. I’m almost done.”
A strangled gasp escaped her lips as her sweat-dampened body fell backward.
Peon caught her by the neck and pulled her fully against him.
“It’s okay. It’ll feel refreshing once we’re finished. Can’t you already tell the difference?”
From the perspective of someone nearly crying from pain, it was an infuriating thing to say.
Yet his voice sounded unbearably gentle and kind.
The body she leaned against supported her solidly.
For Kaella, who had nowhere to rely on and nowhere to rest her heart, it was far too tempting an escape.
Though in truth, it could never truly become one.
She would be fortunate enough if he simply didn’t cast her aside.
Realizing she secretly enjoyed leaning against him under the excuse of the massage made Kaella want to smack herself.
Her eyes reddened, and tears gathered.
“Breathe, Kaella. Breathe. Hurry.”
Her mind had become completely hazy.
His powerful hands held firmly to her legs without releasing them.
“You might bruise a little tomorrow.”
Closing her damp eyes tightly, she nodded.
Her spilled golden hair brushed against his shoulder.
Moonlight slipped stubbornly through the tightly drawn curtains, illuminating her sweat-covered forehead.
Kaella felt pain.
And embarrassment.
If she had practiced horseback riding more diligently, perhaps this humiliating situation would never have happened.
Her cheeks and the corners of her eyes flushed crimson as she covered her mouth to stop the whimpers escaping it.
Had she known it would hurt this much, she never would have agreed to this at all.
“Almost done.”
The hands soothingly pressing her calves beneath the white nightdress were utterly free of unpleasant intent.
Every touch accurately found the places where her muscles screamed in pain. There was clearly no hidden motive.
Besides, Peon did not see her in that way.
She knew that.
“By tomorrow morning, you’ll feel much better. You’re enduring well. No, relax your body, Kaella. Don’t tense up. It’ll hurt more.”
Beatrice would never have created such an awkward, embarrassing situation.
She would have handled things elegantly.
Only stiff, ignorant, unsophisticated Kaella could spend her wedding night like this.
Having been compared to Beatrice her whole life, Kaella had developed the habit of comparing herself automatically.
Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes.
No matter how much she told herself none of this mattered, that assigning meaning to it was pointless, she still felt unbearably ashamed making animal-like sounds while clutching desperately at Peon’s shoulders.
“You’re enduring well.”
Even the way he soothed her gently like a child much younger than Beatrice made everything obvious.
Kaella decided it was better this way.
After showing him such a pathetic side of herself, perhaps she would finally stop repeating the same foolish mistakes.
Perhaps she would stop forgetting and focus only on dying.
Why was she always so stupid?
Just because he had helped save the father whose death he had once helped cause, had she really started believing he had changed?
Kaella despised herself for being unable to let go of lingering attachment.
“…Kaella?”
At the sound of her name, she lifted her head.
And forgot how to breathe.
Peon was much closer than she had realized, looking at her with an unreadable expression.
Without thinking, Kaella stared back.
The moment their gazes tangled together, she could no longer avoid those violet eyes she had always fled from.
As though trapped, she remained frozen beneath them.
Only afterward did a tension unrelated to her suddenly crash over her.
It felt as though the tension itself was coming from his eyes.
“Does it hurt a lot? Did I… go too far?”
His deep voice was directed entirely at her.
Perhaps the slight tremor in it meant he felt that same tension too.
Just like his voice, her lips—damp from constant biting—shivered faintly.
“It’s fi—”
Her trembling lips whispered weakly before cutting off abruptly.
Peon was overwhelming her.
The powerful signal he radiated completely consumed her, leaving her unable even to turn away.
As though he refused to allow her to avoid his gaze.
Look at me.
Keep looking at me.
That was what he seemed to command.
The distance between them would keep shrinking until eventually she would be swallowed whole.
No. I can’t.
But an even stronger warning than Peon himself struck Kaella violently.
Like someone pricked by a needle, she flinched hard and quickly turned her head away.
“Th-thank you. Thank you… I think I can sleep now. I feel much better.”
Forcing out a voice that barely worked, she hurriedly pulled herself away from him.
Her entire body burned from being unable to meet his eyes.
Surely the Grand Duke’s icy gaze was devouring her whole.
She had been the only one losing her mind.
Heat rushed belatedly into Kaella’s face.
Why would a Grand Duke who loved Beatrice feel any tension toward her?
Staring only at the blanket, she lowered her head deeply.
“Feeling better?”
But the voice she heard was much lower and hotter than expected.
Kaella slowly looked back up.
“That’s good, then. Go to sleep.”
Rising from his seat, Peon stared intently at her.
“Sleep well.”
“Mm… you too, Oppa… I mean…”
The new bride answered nervously beneath her husband’s gaze.
She watched him disappear briefly into the washroom before quickly lying down.
His gaze felt… burning hot.
Strange.
Tilting her head slightly, she closed her eyes.
Her cheeks still burned, and she wanted to fall asleep before he returned.
Her legs felt light and cool now.
It embarrassed her that she could still feel his warmth lingering wherever his hands had touched.
Forcing her eyes shut, she repeated to herself over and over:
Don’t misunderstand.
It’s nothing.
Nothing at all.
