SODTAM | Ch 15

Episode 15 – Say You Want to Throw It All Away

A little while ago.

Hilbardo, who had been chatting with the Imperial Knights at the training grounds, noticed the Duke walking off with a group of knights, all fully armed.

“Where are they going?”

O’Hill asked cautiously.

Hilbardo didn’t answer right away.

The atmosphere didn’t look good, but he knew it wasn’t his place to get involved in household matters.

Just as he was about to let it go—

“Looks like they’re headed to the garden,” one of the knights muttered, still watching them.

O’Hill tied back his loose hair and added under his breath, “But the Duchess is in the garden.”

Hilbardo’s expression instantly hardened. O’Hill knew right away that it was time to stop talking.

“Shall I go with you, Your Highness?” O’Hill asked nervously, trailing after Hilbardo, who was already getting up.

And so, by accident, they ended up overhearing the Duke and Duchess’s conversation in the garden.

O’Hill expected his lord to explode—he usually lost all sense of reason when it came to her—but surprisingly, even after hearing such shocking words, Hilbardo quietly left the scene without saying anything.

O’Hill scratched his head in confusion.

He couldn’t tell if this was good or bad.

He never understood what his master was really thinking.

After Ryan and the five knights finished speaking, they left without even looking back.

Left alone in the depths of the garden, I walked slowly along the path with no guard at my side.

My chest felt tight, and I forced myself to take deep breaths.

Even if our marriage had been political and loveless, I had hoped he would at least respect some boundaries.

But today… the blow was indescribable.

I had expected that one day he might find someone else.

I wasn’t naïve. His affair was painful, humiliating even, but I never imagined he would parade it right in front of me.

And to order me to prepare a residence for his mistress—that was crossing the line.

As I agonized over how to handle this woman staying in the mansion, I found myself wandering into the open space of the garden.

“Kyaaah!”

Jave’s laughter rang out, bright and carefree—so different from the storm in my heart.

I slipped through some bushes only to freeze at the sight before me.

Hilbardo—yes, the Imperial Prince—was down on all fours like a beast, with my baby riding on his back, laughing.

“Your Highness?” I whispered, stunned.

The maids and the nanny looked just as horrified as I was.

“It’s fine,” Hilbardo said calmly. “We’re just playing.”

“It’s not fine! Not for me!”

Drool dripped from Jave’s mouth as he squealed with joy. His round eyes curved into happy little crescents.

Flustered, I quickly took Jave off Hilbardo’s back and crouched down.

“I’m so sorry. My child is still little—he doesn’t know any better.”

“I said it’s fine,” he insisted, ruffling Jave’s hair with his big hand. Jave only laughed harder, clutching Hilbardo’s arm.

“Baa! Baa!” Jave babbled.

“Want to play again?” Hilbardo smiled, lowering himself like he was ready for another round.

My heart sank.

He was showing Jave the kind of fatherly affection I had longed for my son to have.

Horse rides, running, battles in the grass, piggyback games… things Jave would never get from Ryan.

These moments would never come twice.

The gentler Hilbardo acted, the more it burned inside me. And for that, I hated Ryan even more.

It had been so long since I last drank.

This time, I wasn’t drinking because someone forced me. I wanted to.

Still, even while drinking, I hated myself for worrying whether I’d be able to manage tomorrow’s duties.

I wanted to cry, but no tears came.

The strong liquor from the Western Kingdom looked as clear as water, but it burned like fire. Oddly enough, it still tasted sweet.

I sat at the balcony table of my chamber, downing glass after glass. My throat burned, but I didn’t care.

The balcony looked higher than usual tonight.

If I jumped, would it feel like flying? Would the rush wash away the suffocating weight in my chest?

Of course, the fall wouldn’t kill me—just leave me broken. And knowing myself, I wouldn’t even let that stop me.

So I just kept it as a thought.

‘The moon looks so big tonight.’

The same moon I used to see in Fardia.

The same moon Rachel and I once looked at together, walking hand in hand down the streets of Menden.

‘I wonder how Rachel’s doing these days.’

Rachel, the daughter of Duke Iane, had gone abroad a year before my marriage to study art, visit monasteries, and travel from country to country.

Back then, she used to send me letters every month. But after I became Duchess, the letters stopped.

I wrote to her, but never got a reply. I only heard from others, now and then at social gatherings, that she was doing well.

“Are you all doing okay?” I murmured up at the round, glowing moon. Fardia was too far away for an answer to ever reach me.

“Mother, Father… are you well too?”

A cloud drifted slowly across the moon. I stared at it, feeling the warmth of liquor in my cheeks.

“I’m fine. I’m doing just fine.”

I took another gulp. My chest ached like something was stuck inside.

And then—

“How long do you plan on lying like that?”

A man’s voice, deep and familiar.

I turned slowly. Hilbardo stood there, right where the empty crate had been.

It took me a moment to realize—my head was spinning too much from the alcohol.

“Your Highness,” I greeted, forcing myself to rise. My body swayed, but I clenched my muscles to steady myself. Still, the sight of him blurred and wavered.

“You’ve been drinking,” he said.

“Yes. Tonight… I just wanted to.”

His dark hair swayed gently in the breeze, overlapping in my mind with the image of him in the garden earlier, laughing with Jave.

The memory pushed the words out of me before I could stop them.

“Please don’t be kind to me, Your Highness.”

“Why not?”

“It makes me uncomfortable.”

I stared at his familiar blue eyes.

The alcohol tore down all the filters in my mind, spilling everything out raw.

“Don’t come to my balcony like this again.”

“……”

“Don’t do anything for me. Nothing at all.”

“It hurts you,” he said softly.

“No.” The lie slipped out first.

“You’re just going to hug that box and cry again.”

“You saw me?” My voice shook.

He gripped my shoulders firmly.

“You’re going to cry now, too.”

And just like that, the tears I had been holding back for so long spilled over.

He trembled faintly, as though sharing my pain.

Why are you hurting like this?

I said I was fine. I told everyone I was happy.

But he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly. I struggled, trying to push away.

“Please, Violetta…” His voice cracked, begging.

“Say you want to throw it all away.”

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Say you want to leave with me. Please.”

I cried in his embrace for a long time, not even knowing why I was doing this, or who I was betraying more—him, Ryan, or myself.

The next morning, my so-called strong body betrayed me. Even after all that drinking, I remembered everything vividly.

The shame of him seeing through me.

The pain of realizing what his feelings truly were. The cold line I drew afterward. I remembered all of it.

As my maid prepared me, she set a cup of honeyed tea before me. I drank it down in one go, trying to clear my head.

“—And so, yesterday the Duke ordered the annex to be prepared,” she said.

For the first time, the head maid—always so composed—let a near-curse slip from her lips.

I blinked at her in surprise. She gave me a small nod, confirming I hadn’t misheard.

My heart thudded, then steadied again.

When she asked what I planned to do, I made it perfectly clear: I would not be decorating the annex.

“Tell the Duke that I’ll hand over the budget directly. He can handle it himself.”

“Yes, my lady.”

As she left with the papers, I added a note for her to deliver.

If you want to prepare a place for your mistress, do it yourself.